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Musical Cigarettes, Farting Texts: The Future of Cell Phone Technology

Technology: it just does things. It doesn’t stop to ask if anyone might want or need the things it’s doing. That’s for marketeers to figure out. Technology just sees that it can accidentally do something when it was meaning to do something else. Then does it. For better or for usually the other thing. Originally […]

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Taco Bell Mistakenly Doesn’t Send Me Breakfast-Promo-Phone, I Cry

I think if I’ve made one thing clear over the sporadic years of screaming things over the internet eye waves, it’s that I want to be sent things by companies so that I can feel pretty! But it seems for all of my well worded pleadery, I’m still not worthy of being allowed to tell […]

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Aussie Teacher Gets Last, Least-Classy Word On Dead School Bully

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. That’s all well and good and actionable in a fair fight, but what if the eye you’re trying to get for your eye is decomposing in a box. Is it REALLY the high road if you don’t still take that easily takeable eye? Who’s REALLY […]

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In Mongolia They Can’t Say “Shit” Now, Like I Just Did

FUCK! Ahhh, there, that felt good. I hadn’t really been able to use my full, luscious vocabulary on the internet in a while. But I’m still better off than folks in some countries, where the first word in this post would probably have gotten their finger-tips hacked off in some sort of public ceremony meant […]

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Toilets in Trees: Art or The Best Art?

If I tell you that something is art, it automatically is. No matter how un-artistic it may seem, or how much on fire filing cabinets it may be. Art. I called it. It is that thing. That’s just how art works. I mean, you can not like it all you want, you can critique it […]

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The Dip of the Damned, A Recipe for Delicious Sadness

This is how I prepared my Super Bowl spread, this exact way. The music may not have actually been playing, I may have just been hearing it in my head, but this, this is how my Sunday went. It wasn’t THAT bad really, All of my best friends were there: no one. Hooray, sport. Originally […]

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4-Month-Old’s Tumor Contains Teeth, Horror

Hey, have you ever wanted to have a tooth in somewhere in you that wasn’t your mouth? Of COURSE you haven’t! Because you know that would make absolutely no sense! But sometimes the human body likes to play disgusting tricks and put chompers where chompers don’t go and we all have to hold tight our […]