Oh boy, are you in for an extra special, super sensational treat of an occasion of an extravaganza! You’ve joined me just in time to witness the introduction to you, our fine, loyal, theoretical fan, of my very own all new brand of sugary snacking cakes! They’re going to be a delicious chocolate brownie, smothered — VROOM!
VFoC Podcast — The Commercials
Since the debut of “The Van Full of Candy Show” (LIVE Wednesday nights at 8 pm on BlogTalkRadio.com), we’ve continually gotten one comparison over and over again. People are making the natural and very realistic comparison between our new live podcast or “livecast” show and the single most watched program in the history of program — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “High 5″
Hey, remember that thing last Saturday that I was bugging you with regular updates on for like, 14 hours? Of course not, you don’t pay attention to us on the weekends. Well here’s that thing. Our entry into The Sacramento Comedy Spot‘s 14 Hour Comedy Challenge! Saturday morning at 8 am we received a video — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Shit Carnies Say”
Carnival folk, they live a life that most of us could never imagine. Subsiding on the corn dogs, cotton candy and popcorn left over at the end of the night and spending what little money they make assembling rickety fun wheels in department store parking lots, on home made, bathtub speed. It’s the kind of — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Dudecanoe”
Corrupt cops in the pockets of the criminals who’re REALLY running the streets. A system designed to protect the guilty even more than the innocent. In a world gone mad, maybe it’s the bat shit craziest ass hole who’s really the sanest of them all! Shooting first and not asking questions, kicking ass and not taking — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Conversation Starter”
You’re at a party, you don’t know anybody except Jim, Jose and Bud. You’re fine with that, but some folks like to “strike up conversations” and “talk to other human beings”. Some others still have tricks that make you start talking to them. These devious cunts make uncomfortable, awkward conversation SEEM like YOUR IDEA! Not — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis”
Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Let Daddy Make It All Better”
Awww baby, don’t be sad. We had to go away for you. I know it doesn’t make sense baby, but we had to go away so that we could give you somethin’ good. You understand, don’t ya baby? We missed you hard. Real hard. Think of how much you missed us, then multiply it by — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Steve Jobs Has Found His Replacement as CEO”
Well it didn’t take long for The Audition Guy to show Apple, Inc. why he’s the best guy for the job.
VFoC Video — “Trans-Am”
Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2? Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”. Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up. Has this kind of thing happened to — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Life Cubed”
Well hello all you little worker bees. You must be SO excited for your Love America 3 Day Weekend. You know why you’re so excited? Because your job wants you to think so. It wan’t to trick you into thinking you’re happy that you’re getting an extra day off this weekend. Your job wants you to go and — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “Introducing … The Audition Guy!!”
When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him — VROOM!
VFoC Video — “May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners”
Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us — VROOM!
VFoC Video — "Greatest Stories Ever Written: Friday by Rebecca Black"
Always with our finger just outside the pulse of the American consciousness Van Full of Candy gives to you our celebration of this generation’s newest great story-teller. Rebecca Black’s inspiring song, a celebration of the julian calendar has taken hold of the internet viewing populace not because of its “absurdity” or “amateurish quality both in production — VROOM!
VFoC Video — "Disgusting Beard"
We threatened it, and now here it is, Van Full of Candy’s YouTube debut, “Disgusting Beard”. Look for more videos soon from Van Full of Candy, along with daily articles, blogs and random nonsense. We have all the humor you could ever need, all in one place. You’re welcome internet. You’re welcome. Tell us what you — VROOM!
It’s safe to say that the medical community and I often don’t see eye to eye. What they call a cancerous tumor ravaging an otherwise perfectly healthy body, I like to think of as a super excited lump of meat, just trying to make friends with the rest of your organs as quickly as possible. — VROOM!
It’s been a crazy couple months for Van Full of Candy as you may or may not have noticed. Both members are now freshly moved from their previous addresses, having relocated a total of nearly 400 miles. We’re both on the tale end of transitioning from a bullshit existence, to a slightly different bullshit existence. — VROOM!
Have you ever been publicly praised by your boss and heralded as “one of the classiest people on Earth!”, for choosing not to continue to savagely pummel an unconscious rival until being forcibly removed from their carcass by authorities? UFC fighter Brian Stann has, and that seems like a bad thing to me. Now, I enjoy fighting — VROOM!
The internet: it’s our home. We owe almost our entire existence to that of the internet machine. The internet is important to us, it is our life, our being, without it, we are just two angry drunks shouting at keyboards. But I can’t hump it… yet, anyway. A survey released by the “Boston Consulting Group”, — VROOM!
Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, — VROOM!
Anybody who knows us, knows that we at Van Full of Candy like to party. They’re usually tipped off to this fact by us screaming “WE LIKE TO PARTY!” in their face moments before we collapse and begin to evacuate our bladders into our slacks. Over the years fans of distilled spirits have seen their — VROOM!
Yesterday morning I started my week as every gravy blooded, American man, woman and child should: with a good stiff drive by fingering. Now I’m no saint, and I’m certainly no stranger to road rage, but I do believe that in this case, and by every measurable criteria, that this response was largely unwarranted. I — VROOM!
It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand — VROOM!
Let’s be honest with ourselves, coffee tastes like shit! But that black liquid crack ass drink can be doctored up enough with 4 or 5 Splenda, 1/4 cup of half & half, a little cinnamon on top and BAMMM!! Something tolerable. But then you really need to take into consideration all the time and preparation — VROOM!