five wives vodka

Thank You Idaho: VFoC’s Official Vodka Brand Found

Oh boy, are you in for an extra special, super sensational treat of an occasion of an extravaganza! You’ve joined me just in time to witness the introduction to you, our fine, loyal, theoretical fan, of my very own all new brand of sugary snacking cakes! They’re going to be a delicious chocolate brownie, smothered — VROOM!


Celebrating National Prevention Week the VFoC Way

It’s safe to say that the medical community and I often don’t see eye to eye. What they call a cancerous tumor ravaging an otherwise perfectly healthy body, I like to think of as a super excited lump of meat, just trying to make friends with the rest of your organs as quickly as possible. — VROOM!


Catching Up With Unfinished Van Tangents: Parte the First

It’s been a crazy couple months for Van Full of Candy as you may or may not have noticed. Both members are now freshly moved from their previous addresses, having relocated a total of nearly 400 miles. We’re both on the tale end of transitioning from a bullshit existence, to a slightly different bullshit existence. — VROOM!


Lowered Social Standards: Thy Name is UFC

Have you ever been publicly praised by your boss and heralded as “one of the classiest people on Earth!”, for choosing not to continue to savagely pummel an unconscious rival until being forcibly removed from their carcass by authorities? UFC fighter Brian Stann has, and that seems like a bad thing to me. Now, I enjoy fighting — VROOM!

surfing naked

Drunken Sexy Times or The Interwebs?: I’ll Pretend You Didn’t Just Ask Such a Stupid Question

The internet: it’s our home. We owe almost our entire existence to that of the internet machine. The internet is important to us, it is our life, our being, without it, we are just two angry drunks shouting at keyboards. But I can’t hump it… yet, anyway. A survey released by the “Boston Consulting Group”, — VROOM!

Needed some money for lunch today

I’m Riiiiich Bitch !!

Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, — VROOM!


Drinking: Too Much vs. Shut Up

Anybody who knows us, knows that we at Van Full of Candy like to party. They’re usually tipped off to this fact by us screaming “WE LIKE TO PARTY!” in their face moments before we collapse and begin to evacuate our bladders into our slacks. Over the years fans of distilled spirits have seen their — VROOM!

The state bird of "Go Fuck Yourselfachusetts"

Go Ahead And Hate Your Neighbor

Yesterday morning I started my week as every gravy blooded, American man, woman and child should: with a good stiff drive by fingering. Now I’m no saint, and I’m certainly no stranger to road rage, but I do believe that in this case, and by every measurable criteria, that this response was largely unwarranted. I — VROOM!

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Am I Pretty or Ugly?

It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand — VROOM!

Trust us, there's SOMETHING in there to get you high.

Coffee Can Suck It … I’m Huffing My Caffeine !!

Let’s be honest with ourselves, coffee tastes like shit! But that black liquid crack ass drink can be doctored up enough with 4 or 5 Splenda, 1/4 cup of half & half, a little cinnamon on top and BAMMM!! Something tolerable. But then you really need to take into consideration all the time and preparation — VROOM!