With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at all like that!
And with that, Van Full of Candy is proud to present our Seven Diamond Super Lock, future verifiable prognistications for the year of our lord two thousand and eleven! More accurate than Sylvia Brown and much wiser than Nostradamus, VFoC gives you the exact events of 2011, just as they will have happened. And how do we know? ‘Cause we’ve been there Jack! And this is how the shit went down!
• Due to the continuingly slumping economy, pop-starlet Ke$ha will be forced to change her name to Ke¢ha
• Acetaminophen will officially go by its gang name: Pain~Sugar
• The city of Ashville, NC will be ravaged by a devastating Hurriphoocano. That’s a hurricane, stuffed in a typhoon, stuffed in a volcano
• Justin Bieber will find his natural part minutes before throwing his neck out
• Historians discover the bible is actually the first issue of the National Enquirer
• Lady Gaga will have all of her skin surgically removed and replaced with purple glitter wrapping paper
• In the vein of bird flu and monkey pox, 2011’s animal themed pandemic will be Giraffe Mumps
• Bin Laden shaves off beard and takes on the pseudonym Ted Williams, becomes famous
• Octamom will star in a remake of the 70’s show Eight is Enough co-starring Dick Van Patten as “Gramps”
• Comedian Zach Galifianakis will appear, either personally, in reference or allusion, in 3 of every 5 movies released this year
• Jesus Christ will descend from Heaven, wearing upon his head crowns upon crowns and the seven trumpet blasts will signal his arrival, to tell us the importance of buying gold
• An overpopulation of zebras will occur due to Pottery Barn’s sharp decline in rug sales
• Massive earthquake leaves the Hollywood sign damaged, displaying: HI MOM
• Michael Vick opens an SPCA … names it Houndstooth Casino and obtains a liquor license
• The Kardashian sisters will do nothing of redeeming social value and continue to be paid handsomely for it
• Greenland partially melts, revealing an actual hole dug to China
• LeBron James will be traded to the Milwaukee Bucks before quickly calling “Sike” and urinating on a young Bucks fan from his diamond encrusted helicopter
• Law & Order:Tenney,MN (Population 6) will premiere on CBS as well as CSI:Taco Bell on NBC
• Viagra revealed to actually be blue candy laced with singer Sting’s teardrops
• Taping of Two and a Half Men’s season finale will be abruptly interrupted when Charlie Sheen challenges the entire studio audience to a fight
And there you have it, 2011, we’ve lived it so you don’t have to. And you’ll never believe what that one person did to someone else that you might recognize from the television or motion pictures or recording industry, so beloved and so unforgivable, in 2012. But that’ll have to wait for another time.