First: I’m the bloody Batgent, guv’na! Then: Spider-Lad, Spider-Lad, does what ever is not unbecoming of a Spider-Lad to do! And now… Look, up in the air, it’s a parrot! It’s a sky lorry! No, it’s – Superbloke! What in the name of god’s three color butt hole is going on here!? Batman, Superman, Spider-Man. Three fictional — VROOM!
Archive for January, 2011
Terrorific!
January 28th, 2011 
Van Full of Candy The Department of Homeland Security, the guys responsible for you having to mail yourself your own deoderant and the reason you have an entire hall closet dedicated to your plastic sheeting and duct tape storage, announced this week that they will begin phasing out their color coded terror alert system, and doing away with it completely — VROOM!
Posted in End of the World, Stupid laws, War on terror 
Tags: adorable, apocalyptic, Cindy Crawford, cudly, Days of Our Lives, Daytime TV, Department of Homeland Security, duct tape, explosives, global war on terrorism, Judge Joe Brown, kitteh, Lord of Lords, Meaningful Beauty, muclear waste, plastic sheeting, Quilt a Day, race war, She's Crafty, terror level, United States 
2 Comments »You call THAT parenting? "F-"
January 27th, 2011 Jesse Jones You wake up every morning at 4:30 am. Creeping quietly through your small, leaky two bedroom apartment, you put together lunches for your two children, girl child, age six and male boy kid, age 8, both students at the same central Florida elementary school. Packing them into the family hand me down station wagon which now runs solely on — VROOM!
It's a LUSH Li(f)e
January 26th, 2011 Jason Whitesel If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now! My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the — VROOM!
Posted in Overprivileged, Products, Retail Tags: Bath Bomb, Bath Melt, Brie, Carr's, LUSH, Muzak, Prosciutto 2 Comments »MTV Caught You Looking… Again.
January 25th, 2011 Jesse Jones Penis. Ooooh, aren’t you outraged? Of course you are. You want to know why? Because I just said you were. And that’s all it takes. We’re off and running. You’ve likely never seen my penis, the majority of you have never even had one of your own to never be spoken of. But I just — VROOM!
An Open Letter To My Downstairs Neighbor
January 24th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Dear Downstairs Neighbor, Good day. I’m your upstairs neighbor. We don’t really know each other except for the occasional passing by when we both leave our houses at the same time and the quick uncomfortable hand raise with a cordial “Hi”. We’ve also crossed paths a couple of times over at the community mailbox area, — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Letters Tags: Area Rug, Bathroom Rug, Downstairs, Neighbor, Open Letter, White Tiger No Comments »What's Haunting You?
January 21st, 2011 Van Full of Candy As North America’s foremost certified amateur paranormal investigators (one of the litany of things you have to register for when you buy a windowless van), we at Van Full of Candy feel that it is our sacred responsibility to help safe guard you, our valued fans as best we can from the scourges of your own potentially haunted personal — VROOM!
TV Review: "Retired at 35"
January 20th, 2011 Jesse Jones There’s a reason the situation comedy is dead, and “Retired at 35” is it. That is not to say that this show is solely responsible for the death of an entire genre of television, though sure, I just made it sound like it is. In fact, “Retired at 35” is probably one of the better — VROOM!
Rappers Still Makin' That Cheddah
January 19th, 2011 Jason Whitesel So as the piracy of songs increases and the millions of dollars decrease for music artists, some of them have decided to fight back. Rappers in particular. The new turf war is on, and this time instead of spittin’ lyrics, and dissin’ which coast you’re from, this war is all about what you put over — VROOM!
Celebrity Treatment
January 18th, 2011 Jesse Jones Van Full of Candy has been going strong now for well over a week which basically means, I’m pretty much famous now, and as such I expect you to treat me as if I am constructed entirely of deli sliced porcelain egg shells. I am a delicate artiste. I pull from my painful, tragic history — VROOM!
Posted in Awards Season, Celebrity, Overprivileged Tags: artiste, awards, boo-ya-ka, celebrities, famous, irresponsible, karate chop, lady dudes, piles of money, Thai prostitute, thorax No Comments »
