This is an honest to god open letter to Charlie Sheen. If anyone reading this knows how to get it in front of Guru Sheen, I beg of you, please do. I will do anything, ANYthing, to have this make it into the hands of my new hero so that we can hang all night — VROOM!
Archive for February, 2011
Charlie Sheen: Guru of the new Winning
February 28th, 2011 
Jesse Jones 
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, Health 
Tags: adonis, alcohol, Charlie, double genius, drugs, eagle heart, fire, lightning, magic, passion, prostitute, samurai, sex, Sheen, special, super sonic submarine, tiger blood, winning 
4 Comments »VFoC's Oscar Predictstravaganza!
February 25th, 2011 Van Full of Candy It’s Oscar time again, the glittering jewel in the crown of Award Season. The time when all of the biggest names in the flicker shows all get together and give each other trophies of naked faceless men. And we at Van Full of Candy are legally obligated to lift our faces skyward and take notice of — VROOM!
Posted in Awards Season, Entertainment News, Movies, Predictions Tags: Academy Awards, Hitler, Inception, Nazi, Oscars, Predictions, Social Network, The King's Speech, True Grit 1 Comment »iPad 2 Features Revealed
February 24th, 2011 Jason Whitesel The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Products, Retail, Technology Tags: Announcement, Apple, Dr. Shrinker, Etch-a-Sketch, iPad 2, iPad 3, La Marzocco, Mashable, Retina Display, Starbucks, Steve Jobs 1 Comment »Let's Play the Ad Game
February 23rd, 2011 Jesse Jones Buy our new chicken tenders: they won’t rape you like our competitor’s fish sticks might! It just took me ten seconds to write that, and half of that time was spent looking up whether or not anyone’s ever been raped by a chain restaurant fish stick. And what I’ve just created is what we in the — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Opinions Tags: 9/11, admiral tasty, billboard, controversy, edgy, fish sticks, Hacienda, Hitler, holocaust, Indiana, offensive, South Bend, Waco 2 Comments »Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair
February 22nd, 2011 Jason Whitesel Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, Fashion, Headlines, Justin Bieber, Music, Science Tags: Bieber Army, Chia Pet, Cloning, Flowbee, Haircut, Justin Bieber 5 Comments »VFoC's Presidents Day Fun Facts
February 21st, 2011 Van Full of Candy The public school system is failing. Ask any public school kid now a days to give you the names of every US President and they’d probably have a hard time coming up with even half of the 59 men who have served in this country’s highest office. That is why we at Van Full of — VROOM!
Posted in History, Holiday Tags: Arthur, Clay, Ford, Harding, Harrison, Hayes, Lincoln, Nixon, Obama, Polk, Presidents, public schools, Taft, Tyler, Washington 1 Comment »Be at Peace, Sweet Cocks
February 18th, 2011 Jesse Jones During my customary afternoon search for all cock related news stories, I came upon a rather ridiculous article. The basics of the story all fit together like well worn pieces of your classic, run of the mill stupid criminal news Madlib: Two guys pulled over for a routine traffic stop, cops see something suspicious in — VROOM!
Posted in MMA, Sports, Unpopular Stand Tags: Animal Services, chickens, cock, cock fighting, euthanized, Las Vegas, Madlib, Pay Per View 2 Comments »Is That A Knife In Your Head Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? (VIDEO)
February 18th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Surgeons in southern China successfully removed a rusty, 10-centimeter knife from the skull of a man. The man shamefully goes by the name of Li Fuyan (which in ancient Chinese writings means Numb Brain). Li has been wandering around China for the last four years with a 4″ knife lodged in his head. AND HE — VROOM!
Posted in Headlines, Health, Opinions, Videos, World News Tags: China, Dumbass, Knife, Knife in head, Li Fuyan, Stabbing, Surgery 2 Comments »Justin Bieber: Canadian Jihadist!
February 17th, 2011 Jesse Jones As a great man once said, “Yer ‘ither widdis, ‘er yer aginnis.” after which we as a nation waved our tiny Chinese made American flags non stop for seven straight years while singing the national anthem as loudly as our little voices could carry it. Today, our President spends most of his waking hours apologizing for America’s — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, War on terror Tags: American flag, Bieber, Bieber Fever, birther, Canadia, Dixie Chicks, Hitler, Justin, rape, Rolling Stone, Sadan, Stalin, teen, tween, twinfant 10 Comments »What Is … "Suck My Binary Code"
February 16th, 2011 Jason Whitesel In his ever increasing swellheadedness and in his continued effort to belittle people, Alex Trebek has brought onto his show an IBM super-computer, Watson, to pound its human foes into nothing more than little puddles of humiliation. Alex, smirking in admiration the whole time, says “Oooooooh, no, sorry you imbecile, the correct response was … — VROOM!
Posted in Game Shows, Technology Tags: Ace Ventura, Alex Trebek, Brad Rutter, Epson, HAL, IBM, Jeopardy, Ken Jennings, Survivor, Watson, Wife Swap 2 Comments »
