This is an honest to god open letter to Charlie Sheen. If anyone reading this knows how to get it in front of Guru Sheen, I beg of you, please do. I will do anything, ANYthing, to have this make it into the hands of my new hero so that we can hang all night — VROOM!
Archive for February, 2011
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of — VROOM!
Buy our new chicken tenders: they won’t rape you like our competitor’s fish sticks might! It just took me ten seconds to write that, and half of that time was spent looking up whether or not anyone’s ever been raped by a chain restaurant fish stick. And what I’ve just created is what we in the — VROOM!
Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication — VROOM!
The public school system is failing. Ask any public school kid now a days to give you the names of every US President and they’d probably have a hard time coming up with even half of the 59 men who have served in this country’s highest office. That is why we at Van Full of — VROOM!
During my customary afternoon search for all cock related news stories, I came upon a rather ridiculous article. The basics of the story all fit together like well worn pieces of your classic, run of the mill stupid criminal news Madlib: Two guys pulled over for a routine traffic stop, cops see something suspicious in — VROOM!
Surgeons in southern China successfully removed a rusty, 10-centimeter knife from the skull of a man. The man shamefully goes by the name of Li Fuyan (which in ancient Chinese writings means Numb Brain). Li has been wandering around China for the last four years with a 4″ knife lodged in his head. AND HE — VROOM!
As a great man once said, “Yer ‘ither widdis, ‘er yer aginnis.” after which we as a nation waved our tiny Chinese made American flags non stop for seven straight years while singing the national anthem as loudly as our little voices could carry it. Today, our President spends most of his waking hours apologizing for America’s — VROOM!
In his ever increasing swellheadedness and in his continued effort to belittle people, Alex Trebek has brought onto his show an IBM super-computer, Watson, to pound its human foes into nothing more than little puddles of humiliation. Alex, smirking in admiration the whole time, says “Oooooooh, no, sorry you imbecile, the correct response was … — VROOM!