Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, — VROOM!
Archive for May, 2011
Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.
May 31st, 2011 
Jesse Jones 
Posted in Apple, Health, Science, Technology 
Tags: AIDS, Apple, brain cancer, cancer, cigarettes, iPhone, iTumor, mictowave, non-ionizing, radiation, Steve Jobs, surgeon general, tumor, wishes 
1 Comment »Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!
May 27th, 2011 Jason Whitesel In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Alcohol, Comedy, History, Holiday, Retail Tags: American flag, BBQ, Blue Light Special, Budweiser, Credit Card, DUI, Hot Dog on a Stick, Indy 500, K-Mart, Macy's, Memorial Day, Pottery Barn, sale, Shopping No Comments »Secret Baby Genitalia Are Destroying Our Country
May 26th, 2011 Jesse Jones Your child needs to be told by everyone exactly what their genitalia mean to them socially and psychologically but then must never, under any circumstances, ever actually be instructed on how to use them by anyone. Especially not with weird anatomically correctish stuffed toys… But we’ll get to that… You see, two equally and oppositely frustrating stories popped up in various — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Education, Opinions, Rants Tags: Eugene Beresin, gender, genitalia, kindergarten, penis, sex box, sex ed, sexual identity, Storm, Storm Stocker, Switzerland, vagina 3 Comments »How Much Would You Pay For An Ass Stabbing? But Wait, There's More!
May 25th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”? A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the head. In the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Products, World News Tags: Anal, China, Ginsu, Knives, Ming Dynasty, Mugging, Neuropathy, Stabbed in Ass, Stabbing No Comments »Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot
May 24th, 2011 Jesse Jones There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world — VROOM!
Posted in Economy, Science, Technology, World News Tags: america, China, communist, debt, ejaculation, glory hole, handjob, Japanese, mexical supply expo, pixellated, Robot, school girl, stimulation, suck bot, super power, tentacle, tube, USA 2 Comments »Oprah Winfrey, You're Still Here? CHRIST!!
May 23rd, 2011 Jason Whitesel I could have sworn that a couple of years ago I heard commercial after commercial that Oprah’s final season was happening, but even today when I click the little black rectangle, there she is, still. She hasn’t gone anywhere! That damn show is still on and her “final farewell for realsies show” is three freakin’ days long this week, labeled: — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Comedy, Entertainment News, Oprah Tags: Farewell Spectacular, Harold Camping, HARPO, Madonna, O The Oprah Magazine, Oprah Winfrey, OWN, Redrum, The Shining, Tom Cruise No Comments »
VFoC Video — “May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners”
May 20th, 2011 Van Full of Candy Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, End of the World, Featured, Predictions, Religion, YouTube Tags: Christ, End of the world, forgiveness, god, Harold Camping, Jesus, Judgement Day, May 21, Nostradamus, Prediction, Rapture, repent, Second coming 4 Comments »Kirk Cameron vs. Soviet Russia vs. Stephen Hawking vs. Space Aliens vs. Sense of Any Kind
May 19th, 2011 Jesse Jones In American culture, there are two widely accepted sky myth stories. The first of which being that a a giant bearded dude who lives in the clouds said one day “This shit is dark yo, BOOMSHACKALACKA!” and then everything that is happened. Then he made people in his image and decided he didn’t like them and washed — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Conspiracy, Germans, Government, Paranormal, Religion, Space Tags: Annie Jacobsen, area 51 book, blind, god, Growing Pains, iPod, Jesus, Josef Mengele, Kirk Cameron, Left Behind, Nazi, New Mexico, Q-36, Quentin Tarantino, Roswell, Russia, Stephen Hawking, USSR 2 Comments »Look Who's Siiiiiiiiiiiingle !! The Shrivernegger
May 18th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Ok guys calm down, CALM DOWN!! Please get in a single file line and quit shoving each other. I understand now that Maria Shriver is single that we all can’t wait to get our shot at that Kennedy lineage poontang, but please, have some maturity here, Jesus!! Oh, hi there dear reader. I’m just trying — VROOM!
Defenders of Sexy Teachers
May 17th, 2011 Jesse Jones It’s no secret that Van Full of Candy is a supporter of hot teachers. It’s a brave, bold stance that we have long taken when ever a poor, misunderstood educator is arrested for doing things that we wish had been done to us in school. Of course we couldn’t possibly defend EVERY apple polishing head mistress every time we — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Education, Love, Stupid laws, Unpopular Stand Tags: Arlington, Brittini, Colleps, English teacher, Facebook, felony, girls basketball coach, Hot Teacher, Kennedale, Nicole, school, sexting, Texas 1 Comment »
