Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. — VROOM!
Archive for October, 2011
Before we get started let me just say I am not mocking the death of a thirteen year old boy here. I would just like to make that perfectly clear right away. I don’t know how many times just this week I’ve been wrongfully accused of celebrating teen deaths and I’m sick of it. It — VROOM!
We here at Van Full of Candy are just completely NOT OKAY with the way that we’re portrayed out in the, what you people call, the regular world. Constantly being called, the creepy van, the molester van, the rapist kidnapper old man with puppies and candy with a mustache van who wants to kill you — VROOM!
A pathologist says Amy Winehouse consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” prior to her death. What? Wait, what? No, wait… WHAT?! NO!? WHAT?! Wait, WHAT!?! NO!? Suhail Baithun has told an inquest into the singer’s’ death that blood and urine samples showed she was 4.5 times over the legal drunk-driving limit. Are you– But — VROOM!
Stupid people come in all shapes and sizes. In fact, stupid people are just like you and me… Alright, who’m I kidding, they’re nothing like me, and for me to even suggest that they could be is just stupid. And of course, since you had the head full of smarty brains to come here and — VROOM!
You like Netflix? I like Netflix. All I know is that they need a new “genre” in their schtick, and that’s the one that would have kept them from losing 800,000 subscribers. For reals. Remember when you were a kid and you’d go to the movie rental store? In my case it was a furniture — VROOM!
Uh-oh, remember back in May, how the world was supposed to end with a bunch of goody goodies floating up into heaven and flashing their balls at us? And then remember how that didn’t happen and it was all hilarious? And remember how we all laughed at the guy who said the world was going to end — VROOM!
First it was Pamela & Tommy, then Paris, and then that one Kardashian chick. Rock stars, television stars, and others who ride the coattails of their father and become reality TV stars. Two glaring things stick out like a sore thumb … that I’m assuming have been smashed by a hammer, because how else would — VROOM!
We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, 10 1/2 months is an eternity for most relationships. We like to think we’ve been a very attentive partner, but we know there’s been times when we’ve taken you for granted. It’s nothing conscious, it’s not because you’ve gained weight, we think that’s sexy, it means — VROOM!
Apparently the best way to prevent cervical cancer is a good old smeary pap. So … here’s our coupon !! [brightcove vid=1223257898001&exp3=102195605001&surl=http://c.brightcove.com/services&pubid=29906170001&pk=AQ~~,AAAABvaL8JE~,ufBHq_I6Fnyou4pHiM9gbgVQA16tDSWm&w=300&h=225]