Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, — VROOM!
Archive for March, 2012
I’m Riiiiich Bitch !!
March 29th, 2012 
Jason Whitesel 
Posted in Alcohol, Comedy, Sex, True Story 
Tags: champagne, dave chappelle, hooker, lottery 
No Comments »
Drinking: Too Much vs. Shut Up
March 27th, 2012 Jesse Jones Anybody who knows us, knows that we at Van Full of Candy like to party. They’re usually tipped off to this fact by us screaming “WE LIKE TO PARTY!” in their face moments before we collapse and begin to evacuate our bladders into our slacks. Over the years fans of distilled spirits have seen their — VROOM!
Posted in Alcohol, Bar Scene, Drinking, Examination Tags: alcohol, Harrison Ford, honour, NIAAA, party, Slurpee, Tequila No Comments »
Go Ahead And Hate Your Neighbor
March 20th, 2012 Jesse Jones Yesterday morning I started my week as every gravy blooded, American man, woman and child should: with a good stiff drive by fingering. Now I’m no saint, and I’m certainly no stranger to road rage, but I do believe that in this case, and by every measurable criteria, that this response was largely unwarranted. I — VROOM!
Posted in Anger, Stupidity Tags: 405, flip off, Hollywood Boulevard, pedestrian, the finger No Comments »
Am I Pretty or Ugly?
March 14th, 2012 Jason Whitesel It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Hot Chicks, Videos, YouTube Tags: autotune, body image, mashup, pretty or ugly, self esteem No Comments »
Coffee Can Suck It … I’m Huffing My Caffeine !!
March 7th, 2012 Jason Whitesel Let’s be honest with ourselves, coffee tastes like shit! But that black liquid crack ass drink can be doctored up enough with 4 or 5 Splenda, 1/4 cup of half & half, a little cinnamon on top and BAMMM!! Something tolerable. But then you really need to take into consideration all the time and preparation — VROOM!
Weight Loss Pills And Skinny Big Girl Jeans — You’re Not Good Enough: Parte the Second
March 5th, 2012 Jesse Jones Fat, it’s unattractive on woman ladies. On men folk of course it’s distinguished and rugged, esteemed and electable. Lady people are not allowed to have any of it. Not if I had my way at least! Women are supposed to be sleek, lithe and petite, like tiny baby jungle cats that you want to penetrate — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Fashion, Health, Medicine, Women's Health Tags: Curve ID, FDA, Hagen Daz, hotness, Levi's, obesity, pharmaceuticals, Qnexa, Susan Yanovski No Comments »
