The fine people here at VFoC really pride ourselves in the ways of creativity and in our all out effort in participation, sharing, volunteerism, sharing, caring and lots and lots of hugs. So when Aflac so abruptly fired Gilbert Gottfried and started a social media blitz to find a new voice for the duck, we thought “hey, let’s do our part to help them out”. So we rolled up our sleeves, dusted off the old duck voice pipes, started rehearsing and by God we came up with a total gem of an audition video. We cheerfully sent it in, paying careful attention to all of Aflac’s submission rules and stipulations, uploading on time and under size restrictions. Another thing we pride ourselves on here at VFoC is attention to detail, which I’m sure you’re all VERY aware of.
Yesterday we received an email from Aflac regarding the “search for a new voice”, and to our abhorrent shock, they had the gall to dismiss us. DISMISS US?!? Do you know who the fuck we are duck? Telling us that you listend to 12,500 auditions? YOU BETTER LISTEN TO OURS ONE MORE TIME BITCHDUCK! You better get your ducks in a row and figure this shit out! Hell, I bet right now everyone reading this can’t even tell us what the hell Aflac does. You’re a goddamn duck running around yelling your company name at people, but what the hell do you do? You provide something, BUT WHAT???
CHALLENGE: Right now, everybody reading this go to the comment section and tell us what Aflac actually does WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP FIRST!
See? You don’t know … neither do we … NOBODY DOES!! Here’s a copy of their email.
Well shit … hmmmmm … after reading this over a second time, it doesn’t really say we WEREN’T selected. It’s just totally clear as dishwater. Let’s break it down shall we?
1. They call us Friend … nice and generic
2. They thank us … you’re welcome
3. They applaud us for not giving up on our dreams … awww
4. They’re amazed and humbled by OUR talent … well yeah
5. Listened to a shitload of applicants … most of which were probably weak
6. Narrowed the pool to 10 finalists … us included probably
7. Begging us to stay in touch … see?
So, maybe my kneejerk reaction of cussing and blowing up at the cute little white duck was undeserved. No place in that email does it say we’re cut. Maybe I’m just so conditioned to losing and being sent away that that is the only thing I hear, read and taste. Wow! They really still love us! They’re still giving us a shot! We’re still in the top 10 finalists!The email wasn’t ambiguous, it’s clear as crystal and heck, we might be the voice someday very soon.
Wow Aflac, thank you … thank you very very much. We love you and your product, whatever it is doesn’t really matter because you’re an adorable duck and you have the cutest commercials ever. Oh, and just ignore the “F apostrophe” before your name, it was cute little play on the French language, not the F word. Swear!
Call me.
Time for school, Van Man. AFLAC is an insurance company that specializes in long-term disability coverages. The insured pays a monthly premium, and should, heaven forbid, a non-work related injury or illness prevent them from working beyond the limits of their state disability coverages, AFLAC pays their salary for the duration. They also offer those medical savings type plans for elective procedures. And probably secret genetic enhancement services, like giving you Liger dna, but representatives would neither confirm or deny those allegations.
According to my calculations you MUST be one or more of the following:
1. You work for Aflac
2. You looked it up and went against our instructions
3. You signed up for their insurance
4. You are a computer posing as a smart human
5. You are here from the future to collect our badass DNA