We live in an amazing, Technicolor, sci-fi world. A world where you can almost literally be anything you want. I mean, you can’t actually be, say, a cat or a polar bear. But you can dress up like them and fuck other people dressed up like zebras and mice, which is basically all you would — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Busy Body’ Category
“Get these monkey fightin’ lesbians off this Monday through Friday plane!” The greatest threat to American air travel, right now, as I am typing this very important piece of internet fluffery, is not exploding shoes, or slightly larger than tiny bottles of shampoo, or the stinky guy. No, commercial air travel enemy number one, is — VROOM!
During the winter break of my Sophomore year at the University of Nevada, Reno (go fighting Soft Sixteens!) I took a backpacking excursion through the inhospitable wilderness of the South American rainforest. I hiked for nine days with my trusty guide Tuo Uu-nu Eepchak. I was but a fool child, ill prepared for the conditions I would face — VROOM!
Hey you, portly meat child, put down that bacon glazed ham turkey and mash your thick, meaty fingers into the keyboard over here, I’ve got something to tell you: You’re not okay! Did you know that people hate fats. They do. Especially fat children. Nobody hates anything in this world more than they hate rotund rotoddlers. — VROOM!
Seriously… Knock it off. We get that everyone’s created equal and that it’s a beautiful thing and that we should all celebrate each other’s differences even though we’re equal and beautiful just the way we differently are. And that’s beautiful. In an equal kind of way. A way that doesn’t discriminate against any other beautiful — VROOM!
While browsing the e-www’s this afternoon in search of the ridiculous and wrong to scream at, I stopped, as I often do by FOXnews.com. I stumbled upon an article written by a “Dr.” Keith Ablow with the headline “Dr. Keith: Is Vogue Magazine Creating Pedophiles?” I could do a thousand words on the headline alone; the sensationalizing of — VROOM!
What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing. Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess, did not die as a result of the excesses of a lifestyle that made her biggest — VROOM!
Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!
People do stupid things. To be more accurate, college aged kids do stupid things. To be even more accurate, drunken, college aged kids do stupid things. I wouldn’t know, I was torn from the thigh of Zeus, fully formed, wizened beyond reason and sent here to entertain the masses with my razor sharp wit and imaginative — VROOM!
As men, our number one mission in life is to ensure that no harm comes to our external reproductive organs. Above all else, this is our divine purpose in life. Our very existence revolves around the grandeur and majesty of our god granted penis. But if it were up to Sweden our magnificent boy glands would be treated as no more special than the common vagina! — VROOM!