Oprah Winfrey, You’re Still Here? CHRIST!!

I could have sworn that a couple of years ago I heard commercial after commercial that Oprah’s final season was happening, but even today when I click the little black rectangle, there she is, still. She hasn’t gone anywhere! That damn show is still on and her “final farewell for realsies show” is three freakin’ days long this week, labeled: […]

Look Who's Siiiiiiiiiiiingle !! The Shrivernegger

Ok guys calm down, CALM DOWN!! Please get in a single file line and quit shoving each other. I understand now that Maria Shriver is single that we all can’t wait to get our shot at that Kennedy lineage poontang, but please, have some maturity here, Jesus!! Oh, hi there dear reader. I’m just trying […]

Ugly / Rich x Powerful = Worth it?

If we’ve learned one thing from this morning’s Royal Wedding gala extravaganza hullabaloo, it’s that British parades are kinda sucky. If we’ve learned two things from this morning’s et al, it’s that if your pre-printed near future stationary and business cards read “Mutha fuckin’ KING y’all” you can get away with being more or less homely and […]

Two-Arm Two-Fer Tuesday

I’m noticing a very strange and scary trend happening in the world right now, and it’s making me very uncomfortable, as it should you too. As I was watching a rerun of House, the medical show with the guy who has a cane and walks around with a limp, acting all “smarter than thou” and […]

The "Justify Your Existence" Tours – Britney and Charlie, on the Road.

The live concert. It’s where you make your connection with the artist, where you, for one brief shining moment, share the same space with your heroes and become a part of one another’s world. Then, afterwards, you drunkenly limp around Lot F all night looking for your car which six hours and nine, $15 beers ago you parked in Lot B, while Ricky […]

Steven Tyler Cut From American Idol

The newest and most popular judge on American Idol, who also happens to be the rock-star front man for Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, was unexpectedly asked to leave the show for good after last night’s episode. Apparently Tyler didn’t realize that he was judging a “singing talent show” which finds America’s best vocal talent who are […]

Charlie Sheen: Guru of the new Winning

This is an honest to god open letter to Charlie Sheen. If anyone reading this knows how to get it in front of Guru Sheen, I beg of you, please do. I will do anything, ANYthing, to have this make it into the hands of my new hero so that we can hang all night […]

VFoC's Oscar Predictstravaganza!

It’s Oscar time again, the glittering jewel in the crown of Award Season. The time when all of the biggest names in the flicker shows all get together and give each other trophies of naked faceless men. And we at Van Full of Candy are legally obligated to lift our faces skyward and take notice of […]

Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair

Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication […]

Justin Bieber: Canadian Jihadist!

As a great man once said, “Yer ‘ither widdis, ‘er yer aginnis.” after which we as a nation waved our tiny Chinese made American flags non stop for seven straight years while singing the national anthem as loudly as our little voices could carry it. Today, our President spends most of his waking hours apologizing for America’s […]