“If I wanted to see mammals feeding their young with their own self producing lactic fluids I’d go to a god damned zoo and “Awww” at its adorable quaintness on the other side of plexiglass where it belongs! Now feed my wife this god damned hand pealed citrus or I’ll murder every last one of — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Food’ Category
Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling — VROOM!
Gone are the days of a good ‘ol fashion melon pounding thanks to this latest punishment to the people, bestowed upon us by a spiteful and vengeful god. You know, I really don’t understand how a melon STD outbreak is even possible, let alone fair. I mean, what the hell is ‘listeria’ anyway? It’s not — VROOM!
I love two things in this sad mockery of an existence that I do charitably call a life. One is the sound a human soul makes when a person finally realizes that none of their life’s ambiti0ns will ever be met and that their entire being has been one long string of lies to themselves — VROOM!
… the bartender says, “What’ll it be fellas?”. The iPhone says, “I don’t know about these two stiffs, but I wanna tie one on and go home with a stranger.”. Ok, so WTF Apple employees? This is beginning to be some sort of alcohol induced habit. You get your prototype, you go out drinking, and — VROOM!
Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by — VROOM!
Hey! Remember the Haiku contest? Oh, those were the days, we were all so young. Well, for those that don’t and don’t care enough to look through the archives to find it. We had a contest in which participants submitted their best Van themed Haiku. And after weeks of heated competition and literally ten of — VROOM!
During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine — VROOM!
My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears – I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color which makes my face look like a clown - — VROOM!
With all this fancy talk about clouds and keeping your music in a cloud and files in a cloud and pudding in a cloud, we here at Van Full of Candy have decided to officially change our name to iVan Full of Candy. Yes, you heard me correctly, we are now in the goddamn holy — VROOM!