“If I wanted to see mammals feeding their young with their own self producing lactic fluids I’d go to a god damned zoo and “Awww” at its adorable quaintness on the other side of plexiglass where it belongs! Now feed my wife this god damned hand pealed citrus or I’ll murder every last one of — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Food’ Category
From Rage Oranges To Shame Milk — Family: Who Needs It?
January 11th, 2012 
Jesse Jones 
Posted in Family, Food, Health, Stupidity 
Tags: breast feeding, Hocking County, Ohio, orange, Paul David Gilkey, Sesame Street 
No Comments »
VFoC Video — “US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis”
November 14th, 2011 Van Full of Candy Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Comedy, Dating, Featured, Food, Justin Timberlake, Videos, YouTube Tags: Fondue, Justin Timberlake, Marine Corps Ball, Melting Pot, Mila Kunis, Video Invite, Zach Galifianakis No Comments »Not Even Melon Sex is Safe Anymore
October 13th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Gone are the days of a good ‘ol fashion melon pounding thanks to this latest punishment to the people, bestowed upon us by a spiteful and vengeful god. You know, I really don’t understand how a melon STD outbreak is even possible, let alone fair. I mean, what the hell is ‘listeria’ anyway? It’s not — VROOM!
HOLY BASTARD! It's American Cheese Month!
October 11th, 2011 Jesse Jones I love two things in this sad mockery of an existence that I do charitably call a life. One is the sound a human soul makes when a person finally realizes that none of their life’s ambiti0ns will ever be met and that their entire being has been one long string of lies to themselves — VROOM!
A Priest, A Rabbi and an iPhone 5 Walk Into a Bar …
September 1st, 2011 Jason Whitesel … the bartender says, “What’ll it be fellas?”. The iPhone says, “I don’t know about these two stiffs, but I wanna tie one on and go home with a stranger.”. Ok, so WTF Apple employees? This is beginning to be some sort of alcohol induced habit. You get your prototype, you go out drinking, and — VROOM!
Cancer? Cured! Recession? Cured! Common Cold? EVERYTHING Cured!!
August 1st, 2011 Jason Whitesel Something miraculous came to me this weekend. It came to me in the way of divine intervention sent straight from the Creator himself as my mind was magically opened to see something that has been inconspicuously floating around our planet for about 40 years. Something that is so awe inspiring that only a worthy clairvoyant hand picked by — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Examination, Food, Health, Recipes, Religion, Videos Tags: 1971, Bacon, Coconut, Cure for Cancer, Cure for Common Cold, Cure for Recession, Harry Nilsson, Hawaii, Lay's, Lei, Lime, Mother Necessity, Quentin Tarantino, Reservoir Dogs No Comments »VFoC 2011 Van Haiku Prizeocalypse!
July 22nd, 2011 Van Full of Candy Hey! Remember the Haiku contest? Oh, those were the days, we were all so young. Well, for those that don’t and don’t care enough to look through the archives to find it. We had a contest in which participants submitted their best Van themed Haiku. And after weeks of heated competition and literally ten of — VROOM!
Posted in Contest, Food Tags: 100 Grand, 3 Musketeers, Baby Ruth, Brach's Mallowcreme, Butterfinger, contest, Crunch, Fun Dip, Haiku, Hello Panda, Hi-Chew, Jaw Busters, Junior Mints, Laffy Taffy, Lemon Heads, M & M's, Necco Fruit by the Foor, Peeps, Pez, Pocky, prize, Reese's, Smarties, Starburst, Takenoko, Thor, Twix, York 1 Comment »Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!
July 20th, 2011 Jason Whitesel During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Food, Media, Pranks, Recipes, YouTube Tags: Anita Bryant, Bill Gates, MLB, Mr. Flip, phone hacking scandal, Pie In The Face, Pieing, Rupert Murdoch, Shaving cream, Slapstick, Twitter No Comments »And Ode To The Slurpee
July 11th, 2011 Jason Whitesel My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears – I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color which makes my face look like a clown - — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Food, Holiday, Poetry Tags: 7-11, Birthday, Brainfreeze, Fanta, Free Slurpee Day, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Slurpee, Twizzler 1 Comment »iVan Full Of Candy : The Cloud Edition
June 10th, 2011 Jason Whitesel With all this fancy talk about clouds and keeping your music in a cloud and files in a cloud and pudding in a cloud, we here at Van Full of Candy have decided to officially change our name to iVan Full of Candy. Yes, you heard me correctly, we are now in the goddamn holy — VROOM!
