Happy goddamn 200th birthday Charles D., you ornery quill pen scribblin’ literary pimp. You’re lookin’ pretty good for being a couple Benjamins old, what’s your secret? Bikram yoga? Damn, that’s pretty badass Chuck. You don’t mind if I call you Chuck do ya? I tried that hot yoga shit once and damn near pulled my — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘History’ Category
It’s Charles “Mutha Fuckin’” Dickens’s Birthday Yo!
February 7th, 2012 
Jason Whitesel 
Posted in Books, Comedy, Drinking, History 
Tags: 2Pac, 40 oz, A Christmas Carol, Avatar, Birthday, Charles Dickens, LA, New York, Notorious BIG, Tale of Two Cities 
No Comments »This Didn't Happen Today in History — December 16th
December 16th, 2011 Jesse Jones December 16th 1362 – King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a — VROOM!
Posted in History Tags: football, game, gunshot, hectares, infraction, innings, irish, super, water rations No Comments »Tomorrow's Bullies: Start Your Engines — 2011's Most Popular Baby Names
December 1st, 2011 Jesse Jones Babies, you have to call them something, and “Dream Murdering Booze Accident” gets confusing as their numbers multiply. So we give them more vague names based almost entirely on our own whims. We made the thing, we should get to scar it for life with the poorly thought out label we’ll be writing into the back of its underwear for decades. — VROOM!
Posted in History, Predictions Tags: Aiden, Baby Names, Elizabeth, George, Second Amendment, Slam Dunk, Sophia, William No Comments »This Didn't Happen Today in History — November 30th
November 30th, 2011 Jesse Jones November 30th 2012 – After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above — VROOM!
Posted in End of the World, History Tags: ancient, civilizations, End of the world, future, Mayan Calendar, Ragnarok, theology 1 Comment »It's F'ing Columbus Day Bitches !!
October 10th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Have you ever stared at a word for a really long time and the word starts to just turn into letters that make absolutely no sense and it’s almost like you’re looking at a foreign language that you don’t understand? Oh, so I’m the only one? Whatever liars. So as I was digging into the — VROOM!
This Didn't Happen Today in History — October 7th
October 7th, 2011 Jesse Jones October 7th 1988 – Christian Death Metal band Christ Hammer and the Anvil of God released their fifth studio album “Body and Blood”. The album received mixed reviews among the evangelical music reviewing community. Luke Davey of the “Jesus Times” called the album “The single most important writing ever in the name of Jesus Christ. — VROOM!
Posted in History Tags: Christian, Death Metal, Evangelical, Jesus Christ, Mary, Rap, Virgin No Comments »Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!
May 27th, 2011 Jason Whitesel In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Alcohol, Comedy, History, Holiday, Retail Tags: American flag, BBQ, Blue Light Special, Budweiser, Credit Card, DUI, Hot Dog on a Stick, Indy 500, K-Mart, Macy's, Memorial Day, Pottery Barn, sale, Shopping No Comments »Happy Secretary's Day : Who Says Sexism Is Dead?
May 10th, 2011 Jason Whitesel “Thank you for calling ACME typewriter company, this is Betty, how can I direct your call?” … How about you be a good girl and fetch me a nice hot cup of jo sweetie, and this time do it the way I like it … two sugars!! Thanks doll. Oh, and if Mr. Smith calls tell him — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, History, Holiday, Opinions, Stupid laws, Unpopular Stand Tags: Administrative Professionals Day, Coffee, Secretary's Day, Sexism, Sexist, Sexual Harrassment, Workplace 4 Comments »The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We're Lying
April 12th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The — VROOM!
Posted in Conspiracy, Government, History, Science, Space, Technology, World News Tags: 50 year anniversary, Conspiracy, Cosmonaut, First Human in Space, Google, Hoax, Moon Landing, NASA, Russia, space, Vostok, Yuri Gagarin No Comments »That's Some Crazy Cheddar Yo
April 4th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Somebody please get me off this money or at least toss me a Xanax Ahhhh yes, the $2 bill. America’s most embarrassing piece of currency, its red-headed stepchild, its third nipple, its annoying aunt who overstays her welcome, its Milli Vanilli, its … ok I think you get it. The government was so embarrassed by — VROOM!
