The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Holiday’ Category
Articles Schmarticles … Show Us The Boobs !!!
December 19th, 2011 
Jason Whitesel When I think of great reading material the only true publication that jumps out at me without even giving it a second thought is Playboy. Month after month, year after year they churn out some of the most interesting and in depth articles covering the gamut from polictics to Super Bowl MVPs, from how to — VROOM!
Posted in Alcohol, Beauty, Celebrity, Comedy, Holiday, Hot Chicks, Playboy 
Tags: Bentley, Boobs, Lindsay Lohan, Playboy, Porsche, Turkey Baster 
No Comments »Santa Christ Is Coming To Town
December 12th, 2011 Jason Whitesel What better way to bring in the Yuletide season with the wonderful smell of Gingerbread Lattes and White Christmas playing in the background. Storming the malls on black Friday and hopefully not trampling anyone in the process, let alone being the trample-ee. Getting all the things our family wants and eating all the things that — VROOM!
Well, Tomorrow's One Better, Isn't it?
November 10th, 2011 Jesse Jones Every year there’s a magic number date that the numerological treat special because completely by accident the calendar did something interesting. Most of the time I couldn’t care less and silently root for the passing of this magical day so that I don’t have to hear about it again for another hundred years. But this year is — VROOM!
Posted in Holiday, Movies, Paranormal Tags: 11/11/11, 11:11, celestial, crystal, David St. Hubbins, Derek Smalls, Midwayer, Movember, new age, Nigel Tufnel, Spinal Tap, Spirit Guardians, This is Spinal Tap No Comments »Van Full of Candy's Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas
October 31st, 2011 Van Full of Candy Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. — VROOM!
Posted in Family, Holiday Tags: ghost, iPhone, sexy costume, spam, Trick or Treat, whores, Zombie, Zombies No Comments »You Got Your Racism In My Costume … You Got Your Costume In My Racism [Halloween Edition]
October 27th, 2011 Jason Whitesel We here at Van Full of Candy are just completely NOT OKAY with the way that we’re portrayed out in the, what you people call, the regular world. Constantly being called, the creepy van, the molester van, the rapist kidnapper old man with puppies and candy with a mustache van who wants to kill you — VROOM!
Posted in College, Comedy, Demotivational Posters, Holiday Tags: Costumes, Halloween, Insults, Name Calling, Ohio University, We're a culture not a costume No Comments »HOLY BASTARD! It's American Cheese Month!
October 11th, 2011 Jesse Jones I love two things in this sad mockery of an existence that I do charitably call a life. One is the sound a human soul makes when a person finally realizes that none of their life’s ambiti0ns will ever be met and that their entire being has been one long string of lies to themselves — VROOM!
It's F'ing Columbus Day Bitches !!
October 10th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Have you ever stared at a word for a really long time and the word starts to just turn into letters that make absolutely no sense and it’s almost like you’re looking at a foreign language that you don’t understand? Oh, so I’m the only one? Whatever liars. So as I was digging into the — VROOM!
Martin Luther King Jr. Disses America
August 22nd, 2011 Jason Whitesel Today was an historic day as the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial was unveiled to the public today at the National Mall in Washington D.C. . It is an awesome 30 foot granite statue of MLK Jr. showing his strength, and it’s based upon the “I have a dream” speech. Perhaps the way I view — VROOM!
Posted in Headlines, Holiday, Music, Star Wars Tags: Dissing, Han Solo, MLK Jr. Memorial, RUN DMC No Comments »And Ode To The Slurpee
July 11th, 2011 Jason Whitesel My dearest Slurpee, you’ve been my friend for many, many years And on this day, when Slurpees are free, I am always brought to tears – I drive around to dozens of 7-11’s today all within my town Getting my fix of sugar and artificial color which makes my face look like a clown - — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Food, Holiday, Poetry Tags: 7-11, Birthday, Brainfreeze, Fanta, Free Slurpee Day, Mountain Dew, Pepsi, Slurpee, Twizzler 1 Comment »
