The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Love’ Category
Welcome To (Alleged) Fatherhood Justin
November 2nd, 2011 
Jesse Jones MAZELTOV! Oh Justin, we’re so very, very (allegedly) happy for you! I’m sorry this is a couple months late, but to be fair, you’re just finding out about it yourself now aren’t you? Wow, who’d a thunk it? Our little Justin Bieber already a daddy. Seems like just yesterday you were also still a child — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Justin Bieber, Love 
Tags: Baby, bathroom, Disney Channel, Jeopardy, Justin Bieber, Mariah Yeater, paternity, Staples Center, Star 
No Comments »Which Angry, Hurtful, Bitter Lover Type Are You?
October 18th, 2011 Jesse Jones We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, 10 1/2 months is an eternity for most relationships. We like to think we’ve been a very attentive partner, but we know there’s been times when we’ve taken you for granted. It’s nothing conscious, it’s not because you’ve gained weight, we think that’s sexy, it means — VROOM!
Posted in Examination, Love Tags: barista, breasts, butt lungs, Call of Duty, cnn.com, crabs, health.com, herpes, in the butt, Love, lover, Pepper Schwartz, relationship, sociology, syphilitic, University of Washington in Seattle No Comments »Hey Sugar Twat, Can Van Full of Candy Buy You a Drink?
October 14th, 2011 Jesse Jones Well, look at this, heaven must be missing it’s sexiest, most charming, best hung angel… ’cause here I am. But seriously though, I couldn’t help but notice you checking me out from across the bar. I get that a lot. I thought I’d make my way over here before you strained something molesting my delicious — VROOM!
Posted in Alcohol, Bar Scene, Comedy, Love, Poetry, Sex Tags: bar, fellatio, foreplay, mace, Old Milwaukee, Sexy, sexy kung fu body guards, super model, taser, Taurus No Comments »Get Your Digital Diddle On: It's Only Natural
September 13th, 2011 Jesse Jones Birds do it, bees do it, even perverts in the trees do it. Let’s do it, let’s fuck online. Chances are, if you’re on the internet (which as of this printing is still the only way that I know you could be reading this, though if you know of any others, please let us know), — VROOM!
Posted in Internet, Love, Opinions, Sex Tags: bees, birds, bread, cybersex, fire, intercourse, internet, Krystelle Shaughnessy, lesbian, long-distance relationship, Nana, Peepaw, sex technologies, two girls one cup, University of New Brunswick, vagina, wheel No Comments »The "No Cut Off My Penis" Clause
July 14th, 2011 Jason Whitesel This is probably the most painful thing I’ve ever had to write, no seriously !! The lady above, Kieu Becker, decided enough was enough with her marriage and decided to whack her husband’s pecker off and throw it in the garbage disposal. But it gets worse! She then decided to turn the garbage disposal on — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Examination, Family, Headlines, Health, Love, Opinions Tags: Bobbitt, Bondage, Castration, Cut, Kieu Becker, Knife, penis, Sex Life 2 Comments »Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch
June 29th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Comedy, Holiday, Love, Products, Technology Tags: Anniversary, Apple, Apps, Birthday, Hollywood, iPhone, iPhone 4, Shazam No Comments »Defenders of Sexy Teachers
May 17th, 2011 Jesse Jones It’s no secret that Van Full of Candy is a supporter of hot teachers. It’s a brave, bold stance that we have long taken when ever a poor, misunderstood educator is arrested for doing things that we wish had been done to us in school. Of course we couldn’t possibly defend EVERY apple polishing head mistress every time we — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Education, Love, Stupid laws, Unpopular Stand Tags: Arlington, Brittini, Colleps, English teacher, Facebook, felony, girls basketball coach, Hot Teacher, Kennedale, Nicole, school, sexting, Texas 1 Comment »Osama bin Jackin': The Diary of the "Little Terrorist"'s Mind
May 13th, 2011 Jesse Jones Osama bin Laden was just like you and me. Wait. No. What I meant to say is that, you’re no different than Osama bin Laden. NO! No, that’s not it. Okay, let me start over. Osama bin Laden’s penis. It existed. So does yours. If you were born with one. Or if yours wasn’t lost — VROOM!
Posted in Love, Media, War on terror Tags: Abbottabad, Afghanistan, Beard, Bin Laden, burqa, cave, explode, gay, glory hole, Gone Wild, Infidel, jihad, Middle East, Osama, Pakistan, penis, porn, Reuters, Seal Team 6, squirter, suck puppet, Twin Towers, virgins No Comments »
British “Man” Gives Birth: Lose Your Fucking Mind and Hate Him!
We live in an amazing, Technicolor, sci-fi world. A world where you can almost literally be anything you want. I mean, you can’t actually be, say, a cat or a polar bear. But you can dress up like them and fuck other people dressed up like zebras and mice, which is basically all you would — VROOM!
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