In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Retail’ Category
Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!
May 27th, 2011 
Jason Whitesel 
Posted in Advertising, Alcohol, Comedy, History, Holiday, Retail 
Tags: American flag, BBQ, Blue Light Special, Budweiser, Credit Card, DUI, Hot Dog on a Stick, Indy 500, K-Mart, Macy's, Memorial Day, Pottery Barn, sale, Shopping 
No Comments »Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It's Monkey Shit Bitch!!
May 12th, 2011 Jason Whitesel H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.” I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Comedy, Interview, Products, Retail Tags: Catsup, Glass Bottles, Heinz, Ketchup, Monkeys, Paint Huffing, Summer, Zombies No Comments »Van Full of Easter Candy
April 22nd, 2011 Van Full of Candy Easter is traditionally celebrated for two things: a) the brutal shit kicking of Jesus Horatio Christ, culminating in his being affixed to a tree and propped up in Rome’s front yard like a pink flamingo that’s been kicked in the face for an hour. You know, for you and your stupid sins. And 2) delicious seasonal candies. — VROOM!
Posted in Holiday, Religion, Retail Tags: Christ, currency, Easter, In God We Trust, Jesus, Palmer, pink flamingo, Reese's, Rome, Russel Stover, Weight Watchers, Whitman No Comments »iPad 2 Features Revealed
February 24th, 2011 Jason Whitesel The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Products, Retail, Technology Tags: Announcement, Apple, Dr. Shrinker, Etch-a-Sketch, iPad 2, iPad 3, La Marzocco, Mashable, Retina Display, Starbucks, Steve Jobs 1 Comment »It's a LUSH Li(f)e
January 26th, 2011 Jason Whitesel If you find wallet rape offensive, then please, change the channel right now! My olfactory system was overcome with an overabundance of fruity jungle’ness, lemongrass, vanilla and hints of relaxation. One would think that by the thickness of the aroma that I was actually marinating in a bubbling tub of potpourri right here in the — VROOM!
Posted in Overprivileged, Products, Retail Tags: Bath Bomb, Bath Melt, Brie, Carr's, LUSH, Muzak, Prosciutto 2 Comments »Rappers Still Makin' That Cheddah
January 19th, 2011 Jason Whitesel So as the piracy of songs increases and the millions of dollars decrease for music artists, some of them have decided to fight back. Rappers in particular. The new turf war is on, and this time instead of spittin’ lyrics, and dissin’ which coast you’re from, this war is all about what you put over — VROOM!
