Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
I’m Riiiiich Bitch !!
March 29th, 2012 
Jason Whitesel 
Posted in Alcohol, Comedy, Sex, True Story 
Tags: champagne, dave chappelle, hooker, lottery 
No Comments »
Guys Hate Valentine’s Day (Whitney Houston Style)
February 15th, 2012 Jason Whitesel The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that — VROOM!
1 Vagina, 2 Vagina, 3 Vagina, 4
January 13th, 2012 Jason Whitesel As a guy, when I first heard about this story, my first impression is “fuck yeah, let’s do this!”, but when I didn’t get a return call, I had a lot of time to reflect on the situation. Let’s rewind shall we? As I stumbled around my living area this morning, I, what my grandparents — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Health, Hot Chicks, Science, Sex, True Story, YouTube Tags: Hazel Jones, Science Class, threesome, Vaginas 4 Comments »
We Want BORING Porn !!!
January 12th, 2012 Jason Whitesel Porn. It’s naughty, it’s fun, it’s my best friend on a late, lonely Wednesday night whilst sadly looking through yearbooks of all the friends I never had and all the empty pages without signatures and cool sayings like “Stay Cool this Summer”. Play, pause, fast forward, oh wait, yeah, just like that, pause, on your — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Men's Health, Porn, Sex, Women's Health Tags: Condoms, Laws, Los Angeles, Masturbation, Midgets, Nuns No Comments »GIANT Size Uncanny X-Apendages? Science Says: Shape Matters
December 21st, 2011 Jesse Jones Evolution, it’s happening right now, right under our stupid little noses, which will naturally one day evolve the ability to smell color so that the blind can understand rainbows. But yesterday, Science thought it would share what it had found out about evolution happening a little farther under our noses. Around the area that I’ve — VROOM!
Posted in Comic Books, Science, Sex Tags: alcohol, beetle, evolution, genitals, Giant-Size X-Men, Indiana University, labia, Marvel, penis, Power Rod, vagina, Wolverine, X-Men No Comments »New Study Confirms Drinking Linked to Sex, Sun Linked to Daylight
December 14th, 2011 Jesse Jones Alright every body, hold on to your things which are easily ejected from your person by sudden shock from wholly unbelievable news! Socks, hats, balls and all other comically loose items secured? Alright, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Here goes… Drinking booze, makes people want to fuck, stupidly! I know. I lost nine good — VROOM!
Posted in Alcohol, Drinking, HIV, Science, Sex Tags: AIDS, alcohol, booze, Canadian study, HIV, Jürgen Rehm, sex, socks, stranger danger, umlaut, unsafe sex No Comments »Party People! You Win Some, You Lose Some: Headaches vs. Mistake Babies
December 8th, 2011 Jesse Jones This week has been an uneven one for those who like to party first and deal with party related consequences eventually. We at Van Full of Candy are known to be fans of both “Party” and “Consequences”. The first is fun, the second is hilarious and the combination of the two is often hilariously fun. — VROOM!
Posted in Alcohol, Drinking, Products, Sex, Women's Health Tags: Alka-Seltzer, Asparin, Blowfish, caffeine, clinic, cure, FDA, god, hangover, Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, Plan B 2 Comments »World's Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser
November 29th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want — VROOM!
RealDoll : Necrophilia Edition
November 9th, 2011 Jason Whitesel In the modern world of online dating, and the availability of “adult services” all over the internet, one would think that hookin’ up with someone shouldn’t be too difficult. There are so many ways to go out and find yourself a live warm one to take home with you, and whether that leads to 1st — VROOM!
Posted in Addiction, Comedy, Death, Sex Tags: corpses, dolls, graverobber, Madame Alexander, necrophilia, Realdoll No Comments »Van Full of Candy's Celebrity Sex Tape Auditions
October 19th, 2011 Jason Whitesel First it was Pamela & Tommy, then Paris, and then that one Kardashian chick. Rock stars, television stars, and others who ride the coattails of their father and become reality TV stars. Two glaring things stick out like a sore thumb … that I’m assuming have been smashed by a hammer, because how else would — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Comedy, Movies, Porn, Sex Tags: Auditions, Celebrity Sex Tapes, Idioms, Kim Kardashian, Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, Sore Thumb, Tommy Lee, With Your Thumb Up Your Ass No Comments »
