It’s unfortunate, we had an incredible article planned for you today. It had dinosaurs, and robots and a bald eagle punching Hitler in the taint with a star spangled boxing glove. We put together a video which showed the two of us hang gliding off of Mount Rushmore, shooting machine guns into the air and — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘Stupid laws’ Category
Sorry Folks, Internet’s Closed. Moose Out Front Shoulda Told Ya
January 18th, 2012 
Jesse Jones 
Posted in Internet, Stupid laws 
Tags: America the Beautiful, Dave Barry, Hitler, internet, Kate Middleton, PIPA, SOPA, taint 
No Comments »Can I get a Pack of Crusty Lung Light Menthol 100 Extra Slims Please?
June 21st, 2011 Jesse Jones Good news everybody! It’s still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier! Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, “edgier” goth doom packaging. Adorned in “labels that depict in graphic detail the negative — VROOM!
Posted in Advertising, Busy Body, Health, Stupid laws Tags: American Way, Atari 2600, cancer, chainsaw, cigarettes, E.T., FDA, Food and Drug Administration, Jesus, Oxycontin Express, smoking, tobacco 2 Comments »Anarchgay in the USA
June 16th, 2011 Jesse Jones Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick. A same-sex marriage bill is currently working its way through the New York state legislature which can only mean one thing, Jesus is warming up his wave machine while solemnly shaking his head in disappointment with — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Gay, Rants, Religion, Stupid laws, Super Bowl Tags: agenda, anarchy, bear, bill, David Tyree, gay, Giants, god, hypocrisy, ignorance, Jesus, lesbian, marriage, minority, National Oranization for Marriage, New York, NFL No Comments »Defenders of Sexy Teachers
May 17th, 2011 Jesse Jones It’s no secret that Van Full of Candy is a supporter of hot teachers. It’s a brave, bold stance that we have long taken when ever a poor, misunderstood educator is arrested for doing things that we wish had been done to us in school. Of course we couldn’t possibly defend EVERY apple polishing head mistress every time we — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Education, Love, Stupid laws, Unpopular Stand Tags: Arlington, Brittini, Colleps, English teacher, Facebook, felony, girls basketball coach, Hot Teacher, Kennedale, Nicole, school, sexting, Texas 1 Comment »Beware: Exploding Babies
May 11th, 2011 Jesse Jones I don’t do a lot of flying, I have my reasons. One of them, certainly, is the fact that I don’t do a lot of traveling. I don’t think they have a lot of destinationless flights, and if they did, why would they? But when I do go somewhere, which as I’ve stated, I don’t, I — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Government, Religion, Stupid laws, War on terror Tags: Bic, C4, exploding babies, explosives, flying, International, Jacob Jester, Kansas City, Krypton, Reverend, stroller, TSA, Twitter, uproar 2 Comments »Happy Secretary's Day : Who Says Sexism Is Dead?
May 10th, 2011 Jason Whitesel “Thank you for calling ACME typewriter company, this is Betty, how can I direct your call?” … How about you be a good girl and fetch me a nice hot cup of jo sweetie, and this time do it the way I like it … two sugars!! Thanks doll. Oh, and if Mr. Smith calls tell him — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, History, Holiday, Opinions, Stupid laws, Unpopular Stand Tags: Administrative Professionals Day, Coffee, Secretary's Day, Sexism, Sexist, Sexual Harrassment, Workplace 4 Comments »What TIME is it!? No, seriously, what time is it really?
March 11th, 2011 Jesse Jones This Sunday is our bi-annual celebration of humanity’s unquestioned mastery over time and space. Daylight Savings Time begins at 2am Sunday morning, so when you’re late for something important, know that it’s not my fault. But when you think about it, the fact that you make it anywhere on “time” is really an every day modern fucking — VROOM!
Posted in Rants, Science, Stupid laws Tags: Brit, cat clock, Daylight Savings Time, dick punch, DST, golf, Juggalos, Kiwi, Mayans No Comments »Terrorific!
January 28th, 2011 Van Full of Candy The Department of Homeland Security, the guys responsible for you having to mail yourself your own deoderant and the reason you have an entire hall closet dedicated to your plastic sheeting and duct tape storage, announced this week that they will begin phasing out their color coded terror alert system, and doing away with it completely — VROOM!
Posted in End of the World, Stupid laws, War on terror Tags: adorable, apocalyptic, Cindy Crawford, cudly, Days of Our Lives, Daytime TV, Department of Homeland Security, duct tape, explosives, global war on terrorism, Judge Joe Brown, kitteh, Lord of Lords, Meaningful Beauty, muclear waste, plastic sheeting, Quilt a Day, race war, She's Crafty, terror level, United States 2 Comments »You call THAT parenting? "F-"
January 27th, 2011 Jesse Jones You wake up every morning at 4:30 am. Creeping quietly through your small, leaky two bedroom apartment, you put together lunches for your two children, girl child, age six and male boy kid, age 8, both students at the same central Florida elementary school. Packing them into the family hand me down station wagon which now runs solely on — VROOM!
