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Catching Up With Unfinished Van Tangents: Parte the First

It’s been a crazy couple months for Van Full of Candy as you may or may not have noticed. Both members are now freshly moved from their previous addresses, having relocated a total of nearly 400 miles. We’re both on the tale end of transitioning from a bullshit existence, to a slightly different bullshit existence. […]

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I’m Riiiiich Bitch !!

Thanks to Dave Chappelle for the title of this blog. I had to steal his end of show sound bite because “Bitch, I’m Rich” sounded kinda rude and “I’m a Rich Bitch” sounded like I was a Kardashian, and I really don’t like the taste of unbleached all purpose flour all up in my mouth, […]

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1 Vagina, 2 Vagina, 3 Vagina, 4

As a guy, when I first heard about this story, my first impression is “fuck yeah, let’s do this!”, but when I didn’t get a return call, I had a lot of time to reflect on the situation. Let’s rewind shall we? As I stumbled around my living area this morning, I, what my grandparents […]

Van Full of Candy's Top 8 List "Looking Back on My Childhood, I Should Have Called CPS"

#8 … Being forced to mow the lawn in lederhosen, ’cause it’s cute #7 … Go make grandma a lowball glass of special medicine, shaken please #6 … The overnight mayonnaise hair conditioning in a hair-cap treatment #5 … Take this note and this $5 bill to the gas station and go buy auntie some […]

My Name Sucks Ass … And So Does Yours

All of our names suck, yours, mine, his, hers, your grandmothers for sure. These ridiculous names passed down from generations, these middle names from an uncle who drinks too much, or grandpa who strangely smelled like Werther’s originals but had no teeth. Agatha, Bertrand, Prudence, Oliver, Sherman … Who in the world would ever keep […]

Free iPhone 4 … All You Have To Do Is Wash Your Hands !!

I know that we have an affinity for our technical devices these days. Not just an affinity, but for most of us, they are an attachment of our arms just past our hands and sometimes to our ears. And for those of us who need this certain device within at least 10 feet of our […]