It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD! Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all — VROOM!
Archive for the ‘World News’ Category
AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)
August 2nd, 2011 
Jesse Jones 
Posted in Death, End of the World, Predictions, Rants, Religion, Science, Wildlife, World News 
Tags: angel, apocalypse, Blood Red, Christ, drought, End of the world, flood, gay, god, Jesus, lake, nut candy, old TestamentChromatiacea bacteria, orgy, Rapture, reservoir, river, Texas 
No Comments »VFoC's Thursday Post Delayed Due to Sweaty, Sexy Celebration
July 14th, 2011 Van Full of Candy Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!
Posted in Busy Body, Sports, World News Tags: Abby Wambach, France, Germany, Moenchengladbach, semifinal, Soccer, United States, Women's Soccer World Cup 2 Comments »We love My[ _____ ] now, Justin! Love us!
June 30th, 2011 Jesse Jones OMG Ya’ll! O to the MUTHA FUCKIN’ G!!! Did you hear? Did you hear the news!? Justin Timberlake owns My[_____]! I know! Well when I heard the news, I leapt out of my chair and kissed the nearest homeless person. Then I gave them a dollar to stop screaming at me. When we at Van Full of Candy — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, Justin Timberlake, MySpace, Social Media, World News Tags: Andy Samberg, Charlie Sheen, Chop Me Up, Friends with Benefits, Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian, Love Stoned, My, MySpace, News Corp, SexyBack, space, Specific Media, Summer Love, Until the End of Time, What Goes Around 1 Comment »Sweden Wants to Steal Your Baby's Genitals
June 28th, 2011 Jesse Jones As men, our number one mission in life is to ensure that no harm comes to our external reproductive organs. Above all else, this is our divine purpose in life. Our very existence revolves around the grandeur and majesty of our god granted penis. But if it were up to Sweden our magnificent boy glands would be treated as no more special than the common vagina! — VROOM!
Posted in Busy Body, Education, Gay, World News Tags: bisexual, Davis, Egalia, gay, giraffe, homosexual, homosexual propaganda, Jay Belsky, kindergarten, Lego, lesbian, Lotta Rajalin, penis, polygamy, preschool, Stockholm, Storm Stocker, Sweden, Swedish Science Council, transgender, University of California, vagina 1 Comment »Your #2 Is NOTHING For Our New Russian Toilets !!
June 8th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Indestructible toilets … finally!!! Not only can these toilets from the future take the blast of a terrorist bomb, but I can finally piss on the lid and have absolutely no guilt. Seriously! These toilets are made of “ultra-strong fibrous concrete” so they can take the biggest load you could ever conceivably dump into them, and the — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Headlines, Products, Technology, War on terror, World News Tags: Bombs, Russia, Safety Toilet, Terrorists, Toilets No Comments »How Much Would You Pay For An Ass Stabbing? But Wait, There's More!
May 25th, 2011 Jason Whitesel Ok seriously China what the fuck is wrong with your peripheral neuropathy? I guess the better question to ask would be “what the fuck is wrong with your cutlery manufacturers”? A few months ago I wrote about a man in China who was stabbed in the head. In the goddamn’d head people! The blade of the knife broke — VROOM!
Posted in Comedy, Products, World News Tags: Anal, China, Ginsu, Knives, Ming Dynasty, Mugging, Neuropathy, Stabbed in Ass, Stabbing No Comments »Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot
May 24th, 2011 Jesse Jones There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world — VROOM!
Posted in Economy, Science, Technology, World News Tags: america, China, communist, debt, ejaculation, glory hole, handjob, Japanese, mexical supply expo, pixellated, Robot, school girl, stimulation, suck bot, super power, tentacle, tube, USA 2 Comments »Answering CNN's Questions
May 3rd, 2011 Jesse Jones Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument — VROOM!
Posted in Questions, World News Tags: Bin Laden, CNN, Debt ceiling, dick move, Duchess, Duke, Ice Cream, kids pix, Navy SEALs, Pakistan, Royal Couple, Taliban, war, Weekend at Bernie's, X Factor No Comments »Ugly / Rich x Powerful = Worth it?
April 29th, 2011 Van Full of Candy If we’ve learned one thing from this morning’s Royal Wedding gala extravaganza hullabaloo, it’s that British parades are kinda sucky. If we’ve learned two things from this morning’s et al, it’s that if your pre-printed near future stationary and business cards read “Mutha fuckin’ KING y’all” you can get away with being more or less homely and — VROOM!
Posted in Celebrity, Entertainment News, Love, World News Tags: Brad Pitt, Brittish, Carrot Top, Donald Trump, Kate, King, Lyle Lovett, Ron Jeremy, Royal Wedding, Steve Buscemi, Time Travel, Venus No Comments »The Things We Do For Love
April 28th, 2011 Jesse Jones Love. It’ll make you do crazy things. Like, spell out your crush’s name in alphabet soup and text them a picture of it. Maybe hide little love notes in the Sunday classifieds. Or, if you’re really in love, cut off your beloved’s head in front of a school full of people fully not intending to be covered in neck — VROOM!
Posted in Love, World News Tags: AP, Associated Press, behead, Highlander, India, Justin Bieber, Kill Bill, lovesick, simitar, space, sword 1 Comment »
