World's Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want […]

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VFoC Video — “US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis”

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling […]

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VFoC Video — “Let Daddy Make It All Better”

Awww baby, don’t be sad. We had to go away for you. I know it doesn’t make sense baby, but we had to go away so that we could give you somethin’ good. You understand, don’t ya baby? We missed you hard. Real hard. Think of how much you missed us, then multiply it by […]

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Van Full of Candy’s Guide to Van Full of Candy

We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re […]

Facebook Will Be Murdered in 87 Days

In an epic “Fight Club” style of badass-anarchy-not-gonna-take-it-anymore blatant threat kind of a way, a kickass movement called Anomymous has publicly pretty much said “We’re gonna murder Facebook in the face and there’s nothing anybody can do about it!” That’s a pretty ballsy claim which made us here at Van Full of Candy stand at […]

Yeah! Rub Your Pie All Up In My Face, Mmmmm !!

During a session of love-seat-lounging yesterday, something dawned on me as I watched the “news” on my thin-black-box-of-tummy-plumping’ness. I realized that a good ol’ “pie in the face” has never lost its charm, AND, the most important realization, was that getting “pied” is the ultimate form of putdownery that you really can inflict on thine […]

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JHS Mathlete Veteran Asks Danica McKellar to Laser Tagstravaganza

I wanna shoot lasers on the chest and back of my first boyhood crush, and for once I don’t mean that metaphorically… Danica McKellar, let’s Tag one another with, oh, what’s say: Laser! The newly revived craze seems to be begging beautiful celebrities through the YouTubes to hang out with you and their having to pretend that […]