Does This Smell Rancid To You?

The other day as I was driving the van around town, I happened upon a dog park; a place where lonely pet owners can congregate and let their dogs frolic around with other K-9’s. A place where they can stand at least twenty feet from each other engaging in the game of “please don’t make eye contact with me”, but then strangely enough have a full blown conversation with their pooch as if they understand, and if Rover did happen to understand, he couldn’t care less about anything other than “did you bring my goddamn treats” and “I just shat over there, pick it up”.

One thing that I found fascinating with the animals was the way they got “acquainted” with each other. They would run up very quickly to each other, get into “high alert” position with their tails fully erect and let the other sniff its ass. Then they would trade positions, give a very thorough nasal inquiry, and if they had anything in common, they would then continue to play, or move on to the next ass to sniff. The ass sniffing was the hound’s form of advertisement; where they’ve been, what they’ve recently eaten, how smart they are, hobbies, favorite pet store, etc. It’s so simple and organic.

Well hello there Yale graduate

Then it dawned on me. Hey, humans do this too, but in a more obnoxious, forced ass-sniffing sort of way. They do it in the form of personalized license plate frames. Yes, you’ve seen them, and I’m sure most of you reading this even have them. Those really cool “Alumni” frames, “Life is a Cabernet”, and the road-rage provoking “My Grandkids Are Cuter Than Yours”. I wrote about the ridiculous family stickers a couple months ago, but I think this other form of self advertisement on one’s vehicle is the worse of the two evils.

Honestly, nobody really cares where you went to school 20 years ago, it’s not going to help you land a trophy wife, or that you’d rather be shopping at Macy’s. Nothing screams douchebaggery louder than “I Eat Chevy’s and Shit Fords” on the back of your gigantic hillbilly Dodge with its oversized tires that have never seen a lick of mud in its life, and forcing me to sniff it anytime I unfortunately pull up behind you in traffic, and thank you for not gracing me with the intoxicating BumperNuts today.

So why do you selfish people choose to subject all of us innocent victims to your whims and fancies? We get it! You’re educated, you love fine wines, you have beautiful families, your truck is a cannibal, you’d rather be doing something else and rather be somewhere else other than where you are at the current time because you’re actually not as happy as your plate frame would lead us to believe. But please, for the sake of all that’s holy, put your tail down, we’re done sniffing your ass.

How else am I going to get you to ignore my bald spot?