iPad 2 Features Revealed

Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.
The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

 

The resolution is making me cry

 

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.
Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the
If only the sound would have stopped too
underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing icanhazcheeseburger.com as well.

 

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

 

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

 

Next year we’ll have one for the bathroom

 

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.
Me: 1 – Whales: 0