Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair

Pouty McPouterson gets a big boy haircut

Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication processes. “We can’t wait to get our hands on that little F’ers hair. We’re going to make the biggest Bieber Army this world has ever seen”, said one of their lead scientists. “… Hundreds of thousands of little Biebers so every teenage girl can have their very own Justin. Not only are we going to clone Justin Bieber, but we’re going to try experimental tests that we’ve never even thought of doing before. We will be planting some of his hair like the

Chia Bieber says: "Good morning, you're so beautiful"

magic beans from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ that will grow the most amazing Chia Pet that you’ve ever seen. Bieber’s head comes to life and tells you positive things about yourself every morning as he swings his hair and smiles at you. We also plan on making a daily vitamin supplemented with the oil of his hair so that you will always have the stamina of a 16 year old boy coupled with a singing voice like an angel.” There are so many things that the laboratory plans on doing with this magical coif that they promise we may never suffer through disease or famine ever again.

Not only are scientists jumping on the

An old man and a 12 year old girl

Garden of Eden theory that Justin’s hair will bring the world, but an old hairstyling product has emerged with a breath of new life that will sustain it FOREVER. The only way to cut Justin Bieber’s hair without losing a single strand was to use the 80’s styling tool “The Flowbee”. The carpenter who invented the Flowbee in the late 80’s is beside himself that Bieber has signed on to create a new customized version called “The FlowBieber”. “Holy shit I’m gonna be RICH!!!”, you could hear him screaming from two states away.

Bieber’s publicist said “We knew we couldn’t trust Justin’s hair with any styling tool, we had to capture every hair possible, because any piece that touched the ground had to be burned in honor of the unicorn that died because of it.”

Don't EVER count FLOWBEE out!!

This “haircut heard around the world” is also going to bring in a whole new stream of Bieber fans too. Since the haircut, Justin resembles an awkward 12 year old girl, so a whole new male demographic of tween boys and over 40 men will soon be jumping on that bandwagon as well. So all we have to say is … thank you Justin … your hair and your voice from Heaven made this world a better place, and now, it will make it a perfect place.

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5 Responses to “Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair”

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Van Full of Candy and Kayla P., Van Full of Candy. Van Full of Candy said: Sadly, somewhere, a dozen or more unicorns died. http://fb.me/G8b0o8di [...]

  2. Peadkinke says:

    Is that Hillary Swank?

  3. [...] Whether it’s his disappointment in and hatred of rape victims, or his world shaking follicle styling decisions, we have been there every step of the way over the last three plus months of our official [...]

  4. [...] Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t make us have to get our heaviest hair [...]

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