Occupy Our Van Full of Pepper Spray !!

Thank you officer, we were really dehydrated with all this screaming

Well shit, if I knew that the best way to rustle up some “excitement” and get this website viral was to give some peaceful activists the what-for, I would have called it Van Full of Pepper Spray from the get-go and driven from protest to protest gleefully spraying people in their stupid protesting face. Damn! So instead of all the hard work and dedication that we put in almost half of a week per week crafting videos and tirelessly writing story after story, all we had to do was hurt the innocent, well, I guess we’ve been going about it all wrong, and maybe that German guy knew how to go viral all along. Wolfgang Puck.

Now just to be honest, if I were actually smart enough to comment on this whole “occupy” thing that’s sweeping the nation, I probably wouldn’t because someone smart would realize it really has zero meaning except to go out and be a rebel, hang out with your friends, rise up against the machine and yell, yell, yell. I would sit at the cafe reading my iPad and chuckle at the stupidity in which these people are having their voices heard, heard with a mouthful of liquid cayenne pepper whilst I enjoy my mouthful of white chocolate mocha, no whip, thanks. I’d say to myself inside my head, “what in the hell are kids in Davis, CA doing occupying Wall Street? It’s so damn far away, nobody can hear their voices from UC Davis, hell, I can barely hear an ambulance siren in my car when I’m grooming my eyebrows.”. Silly youth!

Occupy my $4 cup of caffeine

So if you want to “occupy” something, occupy our van. We promise no pepper spray, no 99% of whatever it is you’re measuring, and absolutely no talk about religion, politics or that other awkward thing you’re not supposed to talk about around strangers. But we won’t be strangers for long, I mean, it doesn’t take long for the awkwardness to go away once you get in the van and realize there actually IS candy.