Orgasms At The Touch Of A Button. The Future Is Now, Ladies

The female orgasm (as I have been told DOES exist) is an elusive, sexy creature. Technology is set to step in with a highly invasive procedure to put this happy feeling at the touch of a button. Which, as I understand it, it already TECHNICALLY is, though not QUITE so simple as that…

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

If you could have a machine–smaller than a pack of cigarettes–surgically fitted to your spinal cord, that at the simple push of a button could launch you into an orgasmic fit. Would you?

Now, I know that before I could finish typing that previous sentence, the gentlemen reading it were busy high fiving anything within’ reach while bleating like coked up owls. To this I can only say, “Settle down, you selfish asses!”

The male orgasm is about as mysterious as Top Ramen cooking directions, as confusing as a Happy Meal word search and as difficult to achieve as erasing an Etch A Sketch. Men need an orgasm machine like chimps need a feces catapult: it’s overkill.

Think about how ladies need to become cyborgs to achieve orgasm next time you complain about ANYTHING ever again.

No, this miracle joy buzzer developed by Stuart Meloy, a Winston-Salem surgeon, is intended to be used by women suffering “orgasmic dysfunction”. And before you say “Them broads just ain’t met a real man like me!”, shut up, you imaginary misogynistic caricature that I have somehow invented to be reading this article. Because the device will be “as invasive as a pacemaker” and is intended only for “the most serious of orgasmic dysfunction cases”, so it’s more than just a no-brainer impulse buy.

Figure 1a. A first generation female orgasm aide. Range deemed limited, wooden.

Those of us who vigorously do our due diligence attempting to work those confusing lady parts (which are NOT stock assemblys and vary in size and function from model to model!) can only begin to imagine how truly frustrating the situation must be for any woman, let alone one with serious orgasm dysfunction. In general, men tend to find it difficult to understand the obstacles women face in achieving what is so easily attainable to the remedial equipment with which the male of the species is fitted. But of course, if this WERE a problem that men were facing, then we would all have been getting equipped with one at birth since the late 19th century.

So please, ladies, help yourselves, solder that “O” box to your back bone and save that remote control for that special someone. You deserve to have your happy times available at just the touch of a button. Sure, most fellers can’t seem to figure out how to work the one you’re born with, but we can sure as hell work a remote control! So let us at it!

via: Your Daily Media