Science: It’s Not an Exact Science

Last week science made a wild ass guess about how many things exist and we were just supposed to let that shit slide…

What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?
What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?

A paper published last week by the scientific journal PLoS Biology, which is a complete fucking guess, says that there are 8.7 million species on Earth. Of which, they completely make up that there are about 7.77 million species of animal, probably 298,000 of plants, give or take, more or less your guess is as good as mine 611,000 fungi, who the fuck knows 36,400 protozoa and completely made up 27,500 chromists. Of course, only seven percent of those fungi, 12 percent of the animals and 72 percent of plants have actually been identified, but why the fuck not just say that there’s so many fucking more?

Now obviously, there’s a shit ton of things crawling around on this out of control mud ball, flying around at fantastical speeds through the vast voidiness, but only we, only humanity, has the arrogance to think that they can just throw out a number with little to no basis in reality and say “Shit yeah, that’s what is. AH GOTS THUMBS, MUTHA!”

Apparently before this new and improved absolute total of all that there is, the previous estimates by other completely guessing sciencemans has ranged from 3 million to 100 million. So why then is this guesstimate any more legit than the 100 million number? Why do these fellahs get to say that “86 percent of all terrestrial species and 91 percent of all marine species have yet to be discovered, described and catalogued” and they get to be treated with any more respect or seriousness than the guy at the bus stop screaming about how he just discovered a new race of invisible mites living in his toes?

If you answered anything other than “Butterflies stole my meatloaf!” while hitting yourself in the thighs with paper plates, you’re wrong.

So I’ve decided I’m going to beat science at it’s own insane game: wildly speculating about shit you can’t even begin to know and calling it science!

Painstakingly researched and documented wild guess number one: there are more than sixty hundred trillion batrillion microscopic road warriors living in our intestines, battling infectious disease which keeps us from being eaten alive by the hostile surroundings of Earth’s atmosphere. It is only after the last of these wild, post apocalyptic survivors, invisible to the naked eye, is killed by the forces of this otherwise inhospitable planet, that we finally die.

Carefully examined and documented complete bullshit made up fact B: When we die, a series of small explosions are triggered inside our cardio vascular system which trap our collected demons, keeping them from escaping into into your attending physician and taking over the physical realm. These tiny “vein bombs” are implanted in each of us by Jesus himself, immediately before we are born.

Sober, reasoned, completely ridiculous insanity that I’m presenting as truth Sigma: There are as many as 188 quadrillion or as few as 9 flavors of pudding still completely undiscovered by man.

The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon...
The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon…

There, I’ve just published a paper in the VFoC Journal of Sciencesque Factish Foundings. And my body is completely hollow and inhabited by a race of intangible plastic army men who have been locked in combat with the robots in my leg for what they perceive as six thousand years, with nary a resolution in sight!

And that’s entirely as plausible as almost anything else that these “respected” sciencers get paid to crap out.