Science: Making the Impossible still more Impossibler

"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"
"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"

I’m a scientist. And you know what? So are you.

You see, the heavy lifting of being a scientist isn’t in proving something as fact, most science isn’t fact. Or in discovering something new, you know how hard that shit is? Most of the stuff around you’s probably been discovered by somebody already. No, what apparently makes a scientist scientisty, is the ability to come up with things that could never exist, using elements that they have not yet discovered, to say how neat it would be if everything they were making up could actually happen. SCIENCE!

Last week, scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with all of those other Hadron Colliders out there, being worked on by what those of us in the scientific community like to call “fucking retards”), apparently bored with smashing sub atomic particles together in an attempt to tear the very fabric of reality apart (in theory) got to thinking. In sciencing, you get a lot of time to think. Mostly because the majority of the time you spend doing science is just in proving the stupid ass thing you thought of last time was stupid and pointless. Science is failure, subsidized.

So the people trying to make black holes in Switzerland theorized that they could potentially use the Hadron Collider to send a particle, a Higgs singlet, back in time. It is believed that the Higgs singlet may have the ability to “jump” out of our mundane, limited, four dimensional existence and into a “hidden” dimension that some advanced physics models believes to “exist” and that by traveling through this “hidden” “dimension” they could then “jump” back into our own at a point “forward” or “backward” in what we “perceive” as “time”. ” ”

Isn’t that fantasmical? Isn’t that astoundishing? Isn’t that completely made up and entirely dependent upon a particle that doesn’t even exist? Yes… SCIENCE!

There is no Higgs boson, and as such, no Higgs singlet. Discovering this Higgs boson was apparently one of the main reasons they built the Hadron Collider in the first place. So scientaints are already moving on to the next cool thing that they’ll be able to do with the thing that their big crazy machine was built to discover before their big crazy machine has even discovered it. Which basically equates to me saying that I am going to use all of those ghost vaginas that my ghost vagina factory discovers to travel to the year eight billion where the ghost vagina will probably be the most valuable commodity in all of what’s left of Earth III, the planet of the cyber undead… as soon as my ghost vagina factory discovers that ghost vaginas do in fact exist like I’ve been saying all along.

“Our theory is a long shot, but it doesn’t violate any laws of physics…” one of the scientinals said, which I suppose is technically true. Making up things that don’t exist to fit into a theory that depends entirely on something that doesn’t exist does not violate any laws of physics that I know of. It does however violate most known laws of logic and sense.

“One of the attractive things about this approach to time travel is that it avoids all the big paradoxes,” he continued, oblivious to the fact that he was still talking about his Star Trek fan fiction to people that weren’t inside his head. “Because time travel is limited to these special particles, it is not possible for a man to travel back in time and murder one of his parents before he himself is born, for example. However, if scientists could control the production of Higgs singlets, they might be able to send messages to the past or future.”

Of course this narrow minded fool never takes into account the very real (hypothetical) possibility that one of these particles, driven mad by its travel across very real (entirely made up) extradimensional planes could then arrive at its past destination, its important future missive long forgotten in that blink of an eye that seemed like seven eternities, and replaced instead by a single command, “Murder Lance Armstrong”. Impossible? Nothing is impossible with the power of imagination, and untethered insanity!

Unfortunately, the one miniscule sticking point that the entire plan hangs up on is that they haven’t yet discovered the thing that they think they might possibly be able to send back in time. A minor thing I know. But these brave men and other men are not deterred by the fact that their big metal circle has yet to discover even one tiny time travel capable ghost vagina. I’m sure, in fact, that they believe because they haven’t found it yet, that means beyond a doubt that it exists. That’s how these people think.

I myself am currently hard at work on a paper that suggests that a pride of miniature dinosaurs made of velcro, spinning at the center of the universe since before time had a name, are the entire reason that the AFL succeeded where the USFL failed, despite the USFL not having debuted until thirteen years after the AFL/NFL merger. You see, my theory, which I will heretofore refer to simply as “Fact Prime”, is that the USFL’s failure reverberated back through time, bouncing off of the soft side of the galactic center Stegasaurus’ back plates and into the head of New York Jets Quarterback and pantyhose model Joe Willie Namath, thus propelling his football club to victories in Super Bowls III, IV and VII. Pieces of this errant history were later corrected by Terry Bradshaw and his Time Stealers. Terry and trusted lieutenants Bo Jackson, Richard Dent and Ray Nitschke restored as much of the original balance of the timeline as they could before Chrono Emperor John Elway could detect their meddlings…

And until someone can prove that all of that DIDN’T happen exactly as I have described, I am right.

Murder Lance Armstrong!
Murder Lance Armstrong!