Secrets of the TabCo Tablet! The Secret Tablet from TabCo! TABCO!

Do you own an iPad or a PlayBook or any other assorted Android nonsense? Well did you know that you might as well jump off a cliff as much as you know about anything? That’s what the people at TabCo want you to know, and they should know, because they’re selling you something.

Look at all those assholes, with things they know and that exist. Idiots...
Look at all those assholes, with things they know and that exist. Idiots…

Have you heard? There’s a new Tablet coming that’s going to blow the ass off of everything you’ve learned about Tablets in the long, storied, couple years that they’ve existed! Wanna hear more? Well too bad! Because that’s a secret! Why is it a secret? … Too bad! The people at TabCo know that the only thing better than having a quality product that you want to tell the entire world all about, is having something else that you want everyone to believe is amazing by not telling them that it’s not! You don’t know anything about it, and already you want seven of ‘em! Because it works!

But I know shit: SECRET SHIT, and I’m gonna spill it all over your eyes! It’s so secret and so shit, it’s gonna make your head call your balls a liar, only to be kicked in its headballs when your balls hear about that bullion! So strap your balls in and tell your brain to shut the fuck up, as Van Full of Candy PRESENTS:

TabCo Tablet secrets EXPLODED!

What is a TabCo Tablet?

Well, I think you just answered your own question. It’s a Tablet. Or is it? Maybe. Maybe even probably. Probably maybe. But almost certainly probably… Intrigued? Fuck yeah you are.

What can a TabCo Tablet do?

I think a better question is what CAN’T a TabCo Tablet do? Because I know about as much about what it can do as what it can’t. But I can speculate. Holy Smelly Crazy Monkey can I speculate… It’s a Tablet, right? … I’m asking you… Let’s just say that it is. So it’ll probably play Angry Birds. And you can more than likely turn it and the picture will move and shit… It’s mysterious, so it probably has super powers. Rumor has it that the TabCo Tablet will be able to read your mind and judge you for your sins. Which rumor? Well I heard just two sentences ago that the TabCo Tablet will be able to read your mind and judge you for your sins… THAT RUMOR!

How much will the TabCo Tablet cost?

Money!

What is it? Fuck if I know, but I want one!
What is it? Fuck if I know, but I want one!

If I am unfaithful to my significant other, will the TabCo Tablet be cool?

Money!

Will it have Flash?

No. The TabCo Tablet will not have Flash. It will have FLASH! The difference? Well, beyond the obvious capitalization, TabCo’s FLASH will not only allow you to view fancy ass graphical contents, but if you place a frozen burrito on your FLASH enabled TabCo Tablet and leave it in a dark closet for 43 to 47 minutes, when you return you will find a piping hot chocolate cake waiting for you to enjoy. Don’t believe me? Well just try it for yourself. Oh, that’s right, you can’t, because the TabCo Tablet is all secret like and you wouldn’t know! So until this amazing advancement in personal computerized amazement hits the stores, you’re just going to have to take my word for the amazing things it does, now aren’t you?

Why, I could go on and on about the adjective worthy experiences, doings and goings on that this new TabCo Tablet will introduce into your otherwise wasted, pathetic wrong Tableted life. But I won’t. I’ve already said too much as it is. And while I know the folks at TabCo Tablets will certainly be furious with all of the super secretive secret type secrets that I have revealed here today, I’m hoping that they can look past that and instead see that I have said the words “TabCo Tablet” nineteen times by the end of this article, and shower me with TabCo Tablets for my superb work at getting the word out about their amazing new product of mystery and wonder.

‘Cause who better than me? Really? Honestly?

Oh, I almost forgot: TabCo Tablet.