If you’re reading this, which odds are if you read that means that you are, you’re likely reading it on a smart phone. These handy dandy little devices have become so important to us they are quickly supplanting life itself, (the creating and maintaining of which) in American’s priority check list.
As technology has become more and more important to many Americans it seems to have thrown their priorities laughably out of whack. I know it’s hard to imagine a world without the ease and convenience of the small rectangle, innocently ensconced within the left front pocket of your jeans, silently irradiating your testicles (or lady equivalent) and transmitting your every movement to our NSA
overlords guardians. But I can honestly say that, given the choice of living out my remaining days without one of the following: 1) a smart phone or 2) sexual intercourse, (assuming my organs are still at all usable after their years of being microwaved in my slacks) I’ll keep ugly bumping, please and thank you.
That though does not seem to be the prevailing opinion according to a new Harris Interactive survey in which more people (26%) said they couldn’t live without their phones, than those who said they couldn’t live without sex (only 20%). I’m not sure if that’s a sadder commentary on the state of American priorities in general or their sex lives in particular.
Meanwhile in Plano, Texas, after having already successfully escaped a burning building, a man realized that he had forgotten his cell phone, leaving him with no way to report to the authorities that his home was ablaze, save for, you know, the entire rest of the neighborhood’s cell phone-owning population who might not want their houses to also be brought down by one of the four elemental forces of the universe. And so, left with absolutely no (many) other choices, he did what any 26% of the rest of Americans apparently would have done and rushed for his phone BACK INTO the burning building, where he died.
Plano Fire Department Captain Peggy Harrell told reporters that of those daring individuals who do try their luck against man’s greatest discovery “9 out of 10 people, nationally, do not make it back out alive.” But those odds didn’t seem to deter this adventurous young man in his early 70s, who’s last words, I can only assume were “Never tell me the odds.”
So what have we learned today? Americans are having sex so bad that they’d readily trade it away for a guarantee that they’d never have to live another second of their unsatisfying lives without Candy to Crush or Birds that are either Flappy or Angry. And that a phone-less 70 year old man is no match for a house fire. So, really, nothing we didn’t already know.