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Drinking: Too Much vs. Shut Up

Anybody who knows us, knows that we at Van Full of Candy like to party. They’re usually tipped off to this fact by us screaming “WE LIKE TO PARTY!” in their face moments before we collapse and begin to evacuate our bladders into our slacks. Over the years fans of distilled spirits have seen their […]

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VFoC Video — “Conversation Starter”

You’re at a party, you don’t know anybody except Jim, Jose and Bud. You’re fine with that, but some folks like to “strike up conversations” and “talk to other human beings”. Some others still have tricks that make you start talking to them. These devious cunts make uncomfortable, awkward conversation SEEM like YOUR IDEA! Not […]

GIANT Size Uncanny X-Apendages? Science Says: Shape Matters

Evolution, it’s happening right now, right under our stupid little noses, which will naturally one day evolve the ability to smell color so that the blind can understand rainbows. But yesterday, Science thought it would share what it had found out about evolution happening a little farther under our noses. Around the area that I’ve […]

New Study Confirms Drinking Linked to Sex, Sun Linked to Daylight

Alright every body, hold on to your things which are easily ejected from your person by sudden shock from wholly unbelievable news! Socks, hats, balls and all other comically loose items secured? Alright, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Here goes… Drinking booze, makes people want to fuck, stupidly! I know. I lost nine good […]

The Death of Winehouse, Parte the Third: The Resolutioning

A pathologist says Amy Winehouse consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” prior to her death. What? Wait, what? No, wait… WHAT?! NO!? WHAT?! Wait, WHAT!?! NO!? Suhail Baithun has told an inquest into the singer’s’ death that blood and urine samples showed she was 4.5 times over the legal drunk-driving limit. Are you– But […]

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Van Full of Booze *hic*

I’m very committed to Van Full of Candy. I’ve been on vacation. I went to Burning Man last week and left a couple articles in my stead to keep my presence up. I am exceptionally drunk on my 4th Long Island Ice Tea of the evening. But here I am, drunk blogging at nearly midnight […]

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PROOF That Amy Winehouse Was Murdered by Not Drinking!

I don’t want to say I told you so. I mean, I’ve told you time and time again about how I hate to be the one to tell you that I told you. If there’s one thing that anyone who knows me can tell you that I’ve told them is that the thing that I […]