Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be — VROOM!
Posts Tagged ‘Apple’
Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch
June 29th, 2011 
Jason Whitesel 
Posted in Apple, Comedy, Holiday, Love, Products, Technology 
Tags: Anniversary, Apple, Apps, Birthday, Hollywood, iPhone, iPhone 4, Shazam 
No Comments »Apple unveils "iLand": You're All Going to Die Here
June 9th, 2011 Jesse Jones Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Conspiracy, End of the World, Science, Technology Tags: Airport, Apple, Applegeddon, Bill Hewlett, california, City Council, Cupertino, David Packard, Devil, Emperor, Gilbert Wong, Highlander, iLand, iPolitician, iTroops, iYear, spaceship, Steve Jobs, Tron 3 Comments »Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.
May 31st, 2011 Jesse Jones Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Health, Science, Technology Tags: AIDS, Apple, brain cancer, cancer, cigarettes, iPhone, iTumor, mictowave, non-ionizing, radiation, Steve Jobs, surgeon general, tumor, wishes 1 Comment »The White, Ambiguously Non-Racist, iPhone 4 Announced
April 14th, 2011 Jason Whitesel The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Comedy, Products, Rants, Technology Tags: Apple, iPhone, iPhone 4, Racism, Steve Jobs, White 2 Comments »iPad 2 Features Revealed
February 24th, 2011 Jason Whitesel The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of — VROOM!
Posted in Apple, Products, Retail, Technology Tags: Announcement, Apple, Dr. Shrinker, Etch-a-Sketch, iPad 2, iPad 3, La Marzocco, Mashable, Retina Display, Starbucks, Steve Jobs 1 Comment »
