As North America’s foremost certified amateur paranormal investigators (one of the litany of things you have to register for when you buy a windowless van), we at Van Full of Candy feel that it is our sacred responsibility to help safe guard you, our valued fans as best we can from the scourges of your own potentially haunted personal effects. As such, we are here to share some of our hard-earned supernatural knowledge of which of your household items are likely to be haunted by a spirit from the other side. We have devised an easy to understand formula based on the severity and frequency of post mortem activity which we have associated with a ranking on a 100 point scale, with one being least likely to 100, almost certain.
Thomas Kinkaid Paintings
Thomas Kinkaid, the “Painter of Light” in all respects should have one of the higher haunt factors with his paintings. However, they do not expel any signs of haunty’ness or paranormal activity. The only real haunting these paintings do is disgrace one’s living room or formal dining area. There are rumors however that people “see the light” in his paintings when they are having near death experiences or stare at them too long.
Haunt Probability: 2
Most common house hold waffle irons are relatively ghost free, in fact, most breakfast preparation specific small appliances are. Usually the only time a spirit chooses to inhabit a waffle iron for all of eternity is if they were a tree, perhaps hoping to damn all of those who would use their delicious blood to top their breakfasty goodness. But even in those rare occasions, trees are generally one of the quieter haunters, customarily identified by a gentle rustling sound.
Haunt Probability: 6
Stolen Pharoah’s Sarcophagus
I know, most of us have thought about filching an ancient Egyptian king’s coffin at least once or twice in our lives, and the only thing that has deterred us up to this point has been the legends of the great Pharoah curses. Well, one of the other lesser known things that the Egyptians invented, was hype. Very few sarcophagi are in actuality, haunted. I “own” 14 personally, and the only time my walls have bled in the middle of the night was when I made them. So fret not, daring interior decorator, a shiny golden box in the middle of your living room makes a great conversation piece, and there isn’t a beverage known to man that will leave rings on it.
Haunt Probability: 11
Soft Toilet Seats
The comfort of a cushion beneath our hind quarters while taking a wiz or a nice healthy BM, can be both comfortable and somewhat unnerving. What we’ve found in our extensive research in the haunting of this item, is that the seats which were any other color than white, had any sort of embroidery, or any kind of cracks in the cushion cover were, in most cases, slightly haunted. The regular white cushions were completely haunt free.
Haunt Probability: 30
That dirty, cheating, cunt whore slut of a cunt! You’ve tried a dozen times to haul her boxes of shit out onto the lawn and burn it or toss it in a wood chipper or mail it back to her with a very delicately worded note, trying to make sure that she knows just how much she hurt you and that you know you can put it all behind you and move on. That we can make this better if you’d just give me one more chance! Please, just call me! I can’t sleep, I don’t eat. I haven’t showered in a month and a half! Why did you do this to me!? Fuck you! You know what? I’m gonna fucking burn this shit! I swear to fucking Christ Almighty I am going to burn this shit to cinders and dance around the pyre, a free man, moving on and taking my life back! … Is that the phone? Don’t hang up, don’t hang up, don’t hang up!
Haunt Probability: 42
Knick-Knack, Chachki, Brick-a-brack
These small glazed porcelain mantle bound figurines are one of the most haunted items in the suburban home. What exactly makes them such a welcome after life hang out is not entirely known. Is it the porous nature of the porcelain, the style or type of glossy glaze or simply the dead punishing the living for owning such creepy ass pieces of useless. Our best guess is that it’s the figurine’s perfect storm of material and form that create a natural phantom trap. That, combined with the inherent heirloom properties of the items leads to them invariably capturing soul after soul, generation after generation. As many observers have noted, any time a Hummel is shattered, it is accompanied by the sounds of the howling of the damned for no less than three business days.
Haunt Probability: 94
Animal Shaped Furniture
Any animal shaped furniture, whether it’s a side-table, lamp or footrest, these items are most definitely haunted. It is a different kind of haunting than we’re accustomed to in modern-day haunt fare. Instead of the regular moaning or chains rattling, the animal furniture haunting consists of jungle sounds, drinking from toilets and a migration through ones hallway, ending in the kitchen. During the Middle Kingdom of Ancient Egypt is where we find our first furniture styled in the way of an animal. It was the Egyptian Bed. The wooden framework stood on “animal shaped legs”. They used to come to life and walk away, and that’s where it all started.
Haunt Probability: 97
Doilies are ornamental mats from a 17th century London draper. They are usually used as a buffer to place trinkets on (see Knick-Knack, Chachki, Brick-a-Brack above) without scratching wooden furniture and are also found on the backs of couches and Lazy-Boy’s. The haunt factor readings for this completely unnecessary house product were off the charts, and by the looks alone, we weren’t surprised. Any doily in any house, completely haunted, period.
Haunt Probability: 110
When coupled with Knick-Knacks: 204