For the Last Time: Kanye West is Not Hitler

Shootin' down bein' Hitler noise wit Laser Beams-- PEW PEW!
Shootin’ down bein’ Hitler noise wit Laser Beams– PEW PEW!

People, this has simply got to stop. It seems a week doesn’t go by that I don’t have to step up and say the unpopular, but almost impossibly obvious to one and all: Kanye West is not Hitler. I thought we went over this. I thought we had all come to an understanding, that while Kanye West may very well have an over inflated sense of self worth, while Kanye West quite possibly believes he has super powers and the ability to rock it with the ferocity of ten super star, genetically enhanced crocodiles and though he almost certainly has exterminated his fair share of Jews; Kanye West is NOT Hitler.

Let’s take a look at the facts, shall we? First of all, Kanye West is alive, baby. Not only that, he’s super alive, he’s livin’ harder than the next eleven Kanye Wests out there. Meanwhile, Hitler is almost certainly dead. I haven’t seen his mustachioed bones, but it seems to me if he were otherwise, we would probably have heard something about it by now. So, exhibit A of thesis: Kanye West is not Hitler.

See, I’ve been trying to squash this before it reached the hardcore aural receptors of Kingye Best, but even my ever vigilant crusade to assure the universe that Kanye West was not Hitler could not keep the man from having to address it personally. I expect to be punished thoroughly for my failure, and I know that I will deserve it.

This last Saturday, while performing at the Big Chill music festival Kanye took a well deserved break from jam kicking, to let the audience know what was on his incredibly talented mind. You’re welcome audience.

“I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street, and people look at me like I’m (expletive) insane, like I’m Hitler,” Not Hitler said. “One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.”

Now sure, alright, yeah, you could argue that the last half of that sentence could maybe, kinda sorta sound a little bit like something Hitler might have said. But that doesn’t make the man Hitler! Not ONCE in the recorded history of Hitler, did Hitler ever say he wasn’t Hitler! Not once! Not Hitler case rested.

Of course, the audience, already well aware that there is no possible way that Kanye West COULD be Hitler, not after the multi-million dollar PSA campaign, returned to the be-Kanyed stage, a smattering of what the untrained ear might call “Boos”. We in the business of audience reactioning like to call those “Round Cheers”. They’re a way that crowds that don’t understand how thoroughly they’re being entertained express their momentary confusion and fear.

The crowd may also have been confused with excitement, by the fact that Mr. Not Hitler’s set started approximately 30 minutes late. But as he explained upon his eventual arrival, he was only “late” because he “needed to make sure his performance was great.” Again, you’re the fuck welcome. This man, this non-genocidal, misunderstood and underappreciated giver of himself unto you is not just dicking around, depriving you of your enjoyment of him because he’s busy clearing his name of Hitler accusations, though that does account for almost eighty-five percent of his waking hours, he is keeping you waiting to make sure that you get the best possible Kanye West experience that Kanye West can possibly Kanye West!

Could Hitler do that? I think we all know the answer to that…

No. No he couldn’t, is the point I was trying to make… Kanye West isn’t Hitler. Please, don’t make me have to go over this again…