Tampon Shooters With a Summers Eve Chaser

We here at Van Full of Candy have a long history with partying and drinking, so when we heard what the brilliant kids in Arizona were doing, we decided to make our own list of ways to absorb firewater in ways that will make even the most hardened heroin addict cringe, well, we’d like to think so anyway. But before we get to that lets visit the Phoenix teen spirits in all their drunken glory as I now realize that I ruined the whole story by giving it away in the first two sentences instead of stringing you along for a while and then dropping the guffah bomb in your laps.

Drinks are on the house

In an attempt to get drunk way quicker than sitting around enjoying a Manhattan or an Irish Car Bomb (which will get you drunk quickly) and without all the drunkardly breath that comes along with this “old school” way of tying one on, Arizona teens have been dabbling with something that were usually only used for Aunt Flow. That’s right folks, it’s vodka soaked tampons shoved in boys and girls orafices to save time and allowing one to sneak past the folks and/or cops without smelling drunk. Sounds stupid and dangerous, but honestly, if you really think about it, it’s quite clever. In a modern world of instant everything, fast food, overnight delivery … CARS !! … we don’t really have time to sit around and socialize with our friends over a good meal and a bottle of 7 Deadly Zins, we’ve got shit to do, places to be and websites to touch ourselves with. Shove that cocktail up your ass and/or cooch and get on with the F’ing night.

So in an effort to continue with the rocket scientists in the Phoenix area, we’ve decided to think of a few more ways to … well I guess you already know … so here.

WARNING: Do not try any of the below strategies because they will surely make you sick and/or dead !!

#1 … The Mexi-Mummy: Using 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, cut them into 6ft. x 4in. strips. You’ll need 20 to 30 of them. Once you’ve got them cut you’ll need to place them into a large bucket of pure Mexican formaldehyde (please send email and I’ll send you the website for ordering) for at least 2 hours. Lay out a 8ft. x 8ft. white plastic sheet (I’ll explain why it HAS to be white later) on the floor, preferably carpeted. You’ll need at least two other friends to help you with the next step to ensure that …

You know, I feel that in order for Van Full of Candy to not get sued by the people who actually read this blog and who would probably actually try what I’m spittin’ here, I’ve decided to go ahead and not tell you the rest of the most Trans-Am way of gettin’ shitfaced whilst being duct-taped to a palm tree upside down.