With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week, teams have been frantically signing and trading players in a feeding frenzy unseen in the history of the league as they get ready for the start of the 2011 NFL season, just six weeks away. Among all of the confusion of blockbuster trades and free agent signings we have learned just this afternoon that online humorists, Van Full of Candy have been signed to a multi year contract by the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Details of the deal are still coming in, but it is being reported that Van Full of Candy is being sent to Jacksonville from the Seattle Seahawks in exchange for a half a box of Britta pitcher filters and a bag of Werther’s Originals.
“I think everybody is coming out of this deal with something they wanted and filling holes in their lineups that needed filling,” said a Seahawks spokesperson who continued, “Our water is going to be delicious.”
“I didn’t know we were on the Seahawks…” a confused Jason told one reporter. “But, I guess I’d like to thank the people of Seattle for their… years, of support?”
“We’re looking forward to playing, which ever position it is we’re usually playing, to the best of our ability,” Jesse told ESPN Radio’s John Ireland and Steve Mason after receiving the news. “And with any luck at all, leading the… Jacksonvilles, to a… Stanley… Championship… Plate… Or something.”
“Jacksonville has a football team?” Jason went on to ask reporters, who themselves could only shrug in response. “I mean, which Jacksonville anyway? There’s a lot of ‘em. I guess I need to know where to forward my mail.”
League officials were too busy at press time to respond to questions about the legitimacy of the deal, with the anarchy presiding at NFL headquarters caused by this extremely abbreviated off season signing period. This unprecedented signing of internet comedy due Van Full of Candy is not the only NFL contract that the league office has been being bombarded with questions about. Many reports of confusing deals continue to flood the wires, including the Arizona Cardinals trading running back Tim Hightower for a stainless steel lemon zester and a bag of used postage stamps, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers signing a miniature pony and a bird bath to fill out their defensive line and a panicked Buffalo Bills releasing their entire roster and unplugging their phone.
The NFL season is set to kicks off Thursday, September 8th as the New Orleans Saints visit Lambeau Field to take on the newly merged Minnesota Bay Packings.